


The 100: Fire and Blood

by lainathiel



Series: A Hundred Storms [3]
Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Multi, Original Character(s), Other, POV Original Character, POV Original Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 12:36:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11967531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lainathiel/pseuds/lainathiel
Summary: From the ashes we will rise.





	1. Chapter 1

A dead city full of dying people, governed by the ghost of a dead Commander. That's what Polis is right now. Not a phoenix rising from the ashes. Just ashes.

ALIE is gone, but she's left nothing but death and pain behind, and as the dying and wounded are scattered across the city streets, it is hard to see hope. What now? Where to go from here? And what is it that Clarke is not telling me?

''I know taking care of the wounded isn't the most charming of jobs, but you look like the world's just ended,'' Rand says, adjusting the head of a teenage boy into a more comfortable position. This is the last cart from our section. Most will survive with proper care, but even so we have to be careful and transport the injured gently. Every bump on the road seems to cause sickening wails of pain from them.

''It has, in a way,'' I reply, ''Look around.''

''It has indeed, a thousand times by now,'' Rand nods, getting astride the horse, ''And it's started again each time. But that's not what's bothering you, is it?''

I sit atop the cart, next to the girl that looks to be in the worst condition. She couldn't be any older than me. Though she's not quite conscious, she keeps moaning quietly.

''Clarke's hiding something,'' I reply as I give the girl some water, although not all manages to go down her throat, ''I know her. And I don't like it when she hides things.''

''Then just go and ask her,'' Rand shrugs, ''Besides, the girl's just been through a whole lot of hell. Maybe she just needs a break.''

''Don't we all.''

'' _Stop_!!!!''

The cry is so desperate and hollow that it makes Rand stop the cart so suddenly it almost causes a moan of pain even from me.

I turn toward the sound and in the desolate street I see only one woman barely standing, limping her way toward us slowly.

''Stop,'' the woman repeats, ''That is my daughter, you-''

I jump off the cart to help her. I don't know from which dark corner she emerged, but she's all but dragging herself out onto the street which seemed to be deserted just a moment ago. When I grab her arm to prop her up, she pushes me away with all her strength, almost falling down herself.

''We are here to h-,'' I try to argue.

''No!!! You are the ones who've done this to us,'' she hisses instead, ''Sky killers.''

''Your daughter needs help,'' I approach carefully, putting up my hands, ''And by the look of you, so do you. Let us help you.''

''Stay away!!'' she growls, whipping out a steel dagger from bloody hell knows where under those robes. I jump back, startled. She could have cut me. I need to be more careful, half these people are in delirium.

''Sen yu swis daun ( _Put your knife down_ ),'' Rand says as he steps down, approaching us carefully.

''Nou sen yu fut daun nowe ( _Don't take another step_ ),'' the woman growls back.

None of us want another fight, so why does she insist on starting this one? It would be too easy, she must know this. Me and Rand at our worst could take her down at her best, and right now she's barely standing. She must know this.

''You don't want to do this,'' I say, and just as the words leave my mouth, I realize how wrong I am. This is exactly what she wants.

''Em la pros ( _It's a trap_ ),'' Rand whispers my thoughts, though he doesn't have to - I can see the Grounders coming out of their hiding, out of the shadows, one by one until it becomes too dangerous to count. There are many, and we are two, and right now they're surrounding us.

''You need to go, now,'' Rand says.

'' _We_ need to go,'' I insist, my hand already on the hilt of my machete.

''You are no longer safe here. Find your people and leave,'' he says, ''I may buy you some time. I am not Skaikru.''

''No, you are worse,'' I growl, ''In their eyes, you're a traitor.''

Rand takes a look around, trying to see what I see. The street is almost full now, as slow as they are. They don't need to be fast. There's only two of us, and we're almost surrounded. And maybe Rand finally sees the hate in their eyes, because after a few moments he only mutters:

''Let's go.''

In about three strides Rand is already atop his horse, so smoothly it's as though he's done this escape a million times before. He grabs my forearm and lifts me up to sit behind him, and for a moment I feel like I'm going to fall right off before I steady myself. ''Ya!'' With the machete I cut off the ropes that have held the cart connected to us before Rand makes the horse break into full gallop, not caring if we run someone over. Right now it's us or them.

''They think we did this,'' I finally say to Rand after a while, once we've covered enough distance, ''They will blame us forever for this.''

''They need time,'' Rand replies, ''Time to heal. They don't need reminders of their plight, and right now you're a reminder.''

'' _Woah_.''

Instinctively, Rand stops the horse, pulling us back into a small alleyway. Something's wrong.

The main square in front of us is not the one we left behind. I don't see any of my people, and the only soldiers around are Azgeda. They're posted at every corner and every entrance of every building.

''Took them long enough,'' Rand spits, almost in disgust.

''What's happening?''

''Looks like Azgeda grabbed the opportunity to seize power,'' he tells me, ''I wish I was at least surprised.''

''My people-''

''Either gone on time, or behind closed walls.''

''You need to go,'' I say, sliding off the horse, careful not to make too much noise.

'' _We_ need to go,'' he echoes me, ''Have you lost your mind? It's not safe for you here!''

''Exactly,'' I reply, ''What do you think is gonna happen if I try to leave the city?''

Rand doesn't say anything to that, only swallows. He knows I'm right.

''You may not be Azgeda, but at least you're not Skaikru. Right now, you stand a better chance of leaving the city unbothered than I do. Go to Arkadia. My people will be there.''

''And what about you? What do you plan to do?''

''Those who haven't made it to Arkadia are here,'' I reply, ''And I cannot leave them behind.''

*

''Can someone explain what the hell is going on here?!''

''Tasha?''

Bellamy hugs me as soon as the door of the temple closes behind me, holding me tight.

''You should be on your way to Arkadia,'' he says.

''What, and leave you to start another war?'' I tease as I pull back, ''You know that's our area of expertise.''

''How did you know we were here?'' Abby asks.

''Unnecessary questions,'' Octavia cuts off, ''What's the situation outside?''

''Bad. It's good that most of our people made it out on time because right now an Arkadian can't even breathe without an Azgeda warrior knowing,'' I reply, ''O, you're-''

... _here_. But she doesn't let me finish.

''So what do we do?''

''You know what,'' Indra replies, ''I just need the Flame.''

''No,'' Clarke shakes her head.

''Clarke, the other clans will follow whoever has the flame,'' Bell argues.

''Azgeda won't.''

''Then we fight,'' Octavia replies, ''That's the point.''

''From what I see right now, it's not a fight we can afford,'' I offer.

''No,'' Clarke says, ''The point is - we don't have time for a fight. We have to save Roan.''

''Save him?'' O scoffs, ''They won't let us near him!''

''Wait a second,'' Abby interrupts, ''What don't we know?''

''The reason ALIE created the City of Light,'' Clarke replies.

''Guys, I'm a little lost here,'' I admit.

''Explain,'' Kane implores.

''Nuclear reactors inside power plants that survived the bombs are melting down,'' Clarke says in one breath, ''Radiation levels are already rising. If we can't figure out a way to fix it, all of us will be dead in six months.''

Silence. It takes a moment for her words to sink in, and even when they do, I don't quite take it for reality. It is too distant and too absurd, especially in this moment.

''Wait, what,'' I say incredulously. Bell squeezes my hand for a moment, but it does nothing to bring me back to our reality.

Another moment of silence. All the faces around me are shocked and grief-stricken, but at least they show realization. I'm just dumbfounded. Clarke's words would make sense now, her reaction upon destroying the City of Light and her behavior since then would be explained with this new information. And yet I can't wrap my mind around it.

''ALIE told you this?'' Kane asks.

''Yes.''

''And you believe her?'' asks Abby.

''Raven's looking into it,'' Bellamy offers.

''I believe her,'' nods Clarke.

''Even if it's true, that's six months away,'' Indra argues, ''There are a thousand Ice Nation warriors on the street who want to kill us today.''

''They won't kill us,'' Clarke replies.

''How could you possibly know that?'' asks O.

''Because we're gonna surrender.''

*

Night has fallen and the time has come. Both parties are in place, but only one should be afraid. As Indra and Kane give their pieces of advice to Bellamy, I cannot take my eyes off of Echo. She's standing there, across the small square, surrounded by her warriors, waiting for Bellamy to step up. And I don't trust any of this.

''You do know there is a reason why she will only speak to you,'' I grab Bellamy's hand before he's ready to step out and face them, ''She thinks you're the only one she has leverage over. Emotional leverage. And she's right. Don't give her the response she'll try to get from you.''

Bellamy looks down into my eyes, nods, and kisses my forehead. Then he steps out in front of the crowd.

They're talking now, though I cannot hear anything. My eyes are on Echo's hands more often than not, ready for the slightest wrong move. She better not make it.

''Come on, Clarke,'' I mutter, all jittery. They need to work faster to save Roan. Bellamy can't talk forever, and Jaha and Octavia didn't pull all of this for nothing.

Echo turns to walk away as though she's done talking, but Bellamy grabs her arm before she can do so, and at that moment all the warriors surrounding them are a split-second away from striking him down. My own heart stops as I cock my gun and hold the target, finger ready on the trigger. My breathing is shallow and the beads of sweat sliding down my temples are almost distracting me. For a moment, a standstill. My heart is beating like crazy.

Then, in three swift moves, Echo has Bellamy on the ground with a knife to his throat. It happens before I can catch it. My breath hitches and my heart stops again, and even as everyone's afraid to move I take a step forward and cock my gun again for more precision. I have a clear headshot now.

''Let him go.''

''Tasha, no,'' Kane says, his hand on my rifle, trying to move it away.

''You better move, Kane.''

''We cannot make this worse.''

''I'm not letting her kill him.''

''She won't.''

''Guns on the ground or he dies!!!'' Echo orders. I don't move.

''Do what she says,'' says Kane, ''Guns on the ground. Now.''

All the guards we have backing us up do as they're told, abandoning all our firepower.

''You too, Natasha.''

''No.''

'' _Now_!''

I hesitate, but in the end I have no choice. We have no choice. We're outnumbered. And I'm alone in this. I have to trust Kane's judgement. So - slowly - I put the gun down.

And now that I'm being led to a prison cell, I'm wondering if I've made a mistake.

*

''I should have killed her,'' I say, unsure if I mean it. The sun is out and morning's here already, casting some hope into the depth of our cell.

''And started a war we cannot win?'' Bell offers a small smile, ''I thought you were better than me.''

''With Echo dead, and Roan gone, maybe the Ice Nation war chiefs wouldn't be so united. Maybe, with no one to lead them, the army would be weakened, scattered-''-

''That's a whole lot of maybes where we can't afford them,'' Bellamy says, managing to remove a strand of hair falling into my eyes, as much as his shackles will allow him, ''We cannot afford to die now that we've come this far. I'm not losing you again.''

I don't even have time to let those words melt my heart before Echo and her henchmen barge in. They take Clarke away, roughing her up, and of course we think the worst, screaming and begging and pulling at our chains. But after an hour of despair, they come for us as well. Only now that I'm ready to fight my way to freedom - to my surprise, I am freely given it. ''King Roan will speak to the people of Polis,'' one of the Grounder guards explains before they all but throw us outside.

So now as we stand with the crowd in front of the king waiting for his word, Bellamy holding my hand and Clarke at my other side, I wonder if we'll be betrayed and hunted again, as we have been since the very moment we came down to the ground.

*

''I know you've all come here for an execution, but no one else will die here today,'' Roan announces, addressing the crowd. Every soul in Polis has gathered here to hear him.

''The City of Light has fallen, and there is no Commander left to rule us,'' he goes on, ''Until another Nightblood ascends, I, King Roan of Azgeda, eldest son of Nia, grandson of Theo, and caretaker of the throne and Keeper of the Flame...'' he holds up the Flame Clarke had given him for everyone to see, stirring up the crowd. Clearly, not everyone is happy about it, calling blasphemy and desecration. Words are exchanged in Trigedasleng that a lot of our people won't understand, so Roan stops it before it escapes control.

''Until another ascends, Azgeda honors and will defend the coallition of the last true Commander, Lexa kom Trikru!'' he argues over the crowd, silencing it, ''Including the thirteenth clan.''

I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding.

''Let it be known that an attack against Skaikru is an attack against us all.''

Let's see how long this lasts.

*

Before Clarke, Bellamy and I can leave Polis, Echo gives us Roan's Seal, which is nothing more than a symbol forged of metal that will allow us safe passage throughout the Ice Nation. A handy thing, hopefully, but even as she hands it over, I want nothing more than to punch her in the face. And as I watch her walk away, I realize I want nothing more than to send an arrow through her.

''We'll do our best to keep the king on his throne,'' Kane tells us before we can go. I don't like the fact that we're leaving our people behind, but we need him and Abby and O here.

''We'll find a way to beat the radiation,'' nods Clarke in response.

''Hell, that's very confident of you,'' I retort.

''If either of you screw this up, we die,'' says Octavia, ''No pressure.''

''This is serious, O,'' Bellamy argues, ''If anyone finds out why Roan helped us, it'll be every clan for itself. The king will fall, and they'll come after us.''

''You don't have to tell her,'' I say without thinking, making the tension between them worse, regretting it the very moment after.

''It's getting dark,'' warns Clarke, ''Let's do this.''

As we part and make our goodbyes, Octavia grabs my forearm and gives me a small nod. That's as close to a hug as you'll get from her now. I nod back, understanding.

I see only a sliver of her, still there, inside. The rest of her I don't recognize, but if that tiny sliver is still there, maybe she can still come back from this brink. Maybe she's still not too far gone. Maybe none of us are. So I hold on to that. I take that with me.

With Freyja on my back and Bellamy beside me, my feet are sure as they lead me out the city gates. And even as a new battle is approaching and we stand small chances for it, I hope we're leaving Polis better than we'd found it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of like an intro chapter to set the mood for the whole story, and I do hope that I will produce more original characters and original fiction in this one. At least, that's the plan. You've all been so lovely and I appreciate you very much. Do look forward to this one as well!


	2. Chapter 2

Through the only window in the room, small as it is, I witness the first golden hued rays of sunrise steal a few kisses from this land, though the clouds don't allow much. It has been very cloudy in the past few days, with rain coming in heavy bouts ever so often. Even so, the dawn is beautiful, this one in particular. And although my dawns have always been numbered, now I cannot help but wonder how many we truly have left.

I feel a warm arm fall around my waist and a sweet kiss flutter upon the crook of my neck, and all thoughts of remaining dawns are suddenly gone, dispersed like dandelion petals in the wind.

''Awake?'' Bellamy asks me, his voice still raspy.

''Mhm.''

''It's too early.''

''I cannot sleep.''

He turns me around to face him instead, and I realize the view is much better on this side.

''We stayed up late last night again,'' he says, his eye-lids still wanting to fall shut again, ''Maybe if we slept over two hours for once, we could actually figure this thing out.''

''Well, we could have slept three if not for you,'' I tease him.

''Yeah, and you hated it so much,'' he grins, before his head falls back on the pillow. I can't help the bout of giggles. 

If we could only stay in this bed forever.

''Anyway, you don't have to worry about me,'' I say, ''I'm not the one that's gonna figure this one out anyway. Never was much of a scientist. You and I, darling, we're the artsy kids and history nerds,'' I grin, hiding my worries, ''If Raven and Monty can't do it, no one can.''

''I don't know, I wouldn't exactly underestimate or dismiss your batshit crazy ideas,'' Bell teases, so I playfully punch him. He grins.

''I may be only half joking,'' he smiles before he kisses me on the lips, ''But I mean it - together, all of us, we can do this.''

Rain again. I can hear the drops hitting the metal, like a melody, almost lulling me back into sleep. If we could only stay in this bed. Not forever, just for the day.

''Time is ticking, Bell.''

''We still have some left. It's not black rain yet.''

*

The day is spent mostly on brain-storming with short headache-soothing-plus-food breaks. I check in with Rand and the others for a few moments only to go back to Raven's workshop for more headache, hours upon hours. The next thing we know is it's past midnight, again, and we have no solutions, again.

''We've been at this for two days, there must be something we haven't thought of,'' Bellamy paces around the room, ''What if we could reach the nearest nuclear reactor?''

''And get irradiated?!'' I throw up my hands, incredulously.

''I told you, the meltdown started months ago, there's no magic button to turn them off,'' Raven explains, ''This isn't black rain, but it will be soon. That's why we have to focus on riding out the radiation, finding some place safe. And big enough to hold all five hundred of us.''

''This isn't just about saving us,'' Clarke says, ''I made a promise to Roan, it's about saving everyone.''

''That's why we need to tell everyone. Crowdsource it,'' argues Raven, ''If there's another Mount Weather out there the Grounders will know about it.''

''You think they're just gonna tell us? Just like that?'' Bell says, ''If you tell everybody they're going to die, the Coalition is over, Roan falls, and the Grounders will be at our gate.''

''Okay, not everyone,'' I offer, ''But Roan can't be the only leader we can reason with. Maybe we can speak with the ambassadors, war chiefs, clan leaders and village elders. They might know something we can use and together we might figure this thing out-''

''It's too risky,'' Bell shakes his head.

''Then just tell our people,'' Raven argues, ''Tasha is right, we need more minds on this problem. On the Ark, people volunteered for the Culling because they were told the truth and given a choice. A choice your dad died for!'' she turns to Clarke.

''You think I've forgotten that?''

''Let's not lose track here,'' I intervene.

''Okay, listen,'' Bell backs me up, ''We tell everybody the truth as soon as we have a viable solution, how about that? Because without one, it'll start panic.''

''He's right,'' I agree. 

''You don't know that,'' Raven argues.

''But I do,'' I insist, ''Offer them even the slightest possibility of a solution and you will get cooperation, peaceful labor, even sacrifice! Just like the Culling. They were offered a solution, Raven, as bad as it was, but at least they had one. Give them nothing and you will get chaos.''

''That's it!'' Monty exclaims so suddenly that both Raven and I jump in place.

''What are you talking about?'' asks Clarke.

''Think!'' he almost squeals excitedly, ''Alpha Station survived for ninety-seven years in space, through elevated radiation levels and extreme temperature fluctuations. Sound familiar? All we have to do is patch up the ship! We're _standing_ in our viable solution.''

*

The next dawn comes bright and clear, like it knows we have a new chance, like it's cheering on us. This time, Bell and I are eager to get out of bed and get to work. I cannot help the smile and enthusiasm even as I'm getting dressed, Bellamy throwing over one of my shirts to catch and put on.

''You really should stay here,'' he later says as he grabs his excuse for a breakfast - the mess is still empty but for us, and these are the last moments of the day that we have to ourselves, ''Raven might need you for something.''

''Oh, don't give me that crap, Bell, I know you,'' I chew on a mouthful of oatmeal, ''You just want to keep me safe here like you don't know I'm wasted on this stuff. I belong out there on the field and you know it, better than anyone. Besides, you might need a Grounder on your side,'' I grin. I know that he gives in when he shakes his head with a smile.

''Alright. I'll go grab Miller and Bryan, they gotta be ready by now,'' he says, placing a kiss on my cheek as he gets up, ''Get Harper and Monty and get the truck ready.''

*

We don't talk much on our way to the Farm Station, apart from Bryan giving me the directions as I drive. Even though I know the way, I'm letting him lead us down the route he deems best possible. Unfortunately, Bryan's had to know just about every nook and cranny around this area, and I don't want to think about how many times he's had to run for his life. If these trees could talk, they wouldn't have any nice stories to share. This can't be easy for him.

And I don't want to think about Jasper either. I thought maybe coming with us would have been good for him, but he couldn't care less about what's going on around him. I tell myself I'll have time to be worried once we're done with this. First things first.

''If this thing works, we're saved,'' I tell them, ''But we're leaving everyone else to the flames. So many people... Children.''

''Clarke is still working on a solution that saves us all,'' Bell says, ''And maybe we'll have that solution, but until then we have to look out for our own.''

''I know, Bell, but what happens when Roan finds out we've only looked out for ourselves? We're supposed to survive the six months in between as well, you know. And if the Grounders come for us, we won't.''

''One problem at a time.''

''Here we are,'' Bryan announces, though he doesn't have to. I can see some of the Farm Station through the trees still ahead. I stop the truck.

''We're on foot from here,'' I announce, ''I really think you should stay. Bryan, your leg is still healing and we might use you ready behind the whee-''

He doesn't let me reply, he's already out the truck. He's fuming. He shouldn't even be here, we can find the damn generator by ourselves.

''We get the machine and get outta here,'' Nathan says, ''I don't wanna stay here any longer than we have to.''

''Watch your step,'' I say as we look down from the ridge, ''It's steep _and_ icy.''

''Guys,'' Nate speaks again, looking through his binoculars, ''We got a problem...''

''What is it?'' I grab the binoculars from him before I can finish the question. I can't even say ''holy shit'' before everyone's locked and loaded and into position.

''...The barn isn't empty.''

I get down quickly and grab my M16, cocking it so I can keep a look-out through the scope. There are Ice Nation warriors on every entrance of Farm Station. Right now, I have just about zero ideas on how we need to play this.

''They moved in,'' Bryan all but spits in disgust, ''If it's the same guys who attacked us, with our guns we could take them.''

I look away from the scope just to look at him in disbelief. Even though I know where he's coming from, I cannot believe he would be so reckless and not see further than his nose right now. This peace is weakly held as it is.

''I'm sure we could,'' Bellamy says calmly, almost gently, and frankly surprising me, ''But we didn't come here to fight.''

''They butchered us!'' Bryan argues, ''Killed kids, our friends, our families!''

''We know all this, Bryan, and killing them is not gonna change that,'' I hiss, for some reason angrier than I should be, ''What it is going to do is potentially break the Coalition and cost us Roan's protection. I'm with the plan that doesn't get us all killed in the end.''

''Look, Bryan, I don't like it anymore than you do, but they're right,'' Monty says, ''And we need that machine.''

''Guys,'' Harper says, her voice tiny, and once we turn to look we find her neck below an arrowhead.

All hell breaks loose. Maybe we shouldn't have made all these sudden moves with an Azgeda warrior holding a nocked arrow to Harper's throat, but now it's all guns clicking and voices and more warriors appearing from God knows where and I don't understand how we didn't even spot a single sign of them. After all this time, I still can't see them coming.

''Weapons down, now!'' Bellamy orders, ''Now!''

My gun is already on the ground, but I can see more of the Grounders emerge as I'm slowly getting up with my hands in the air. Nice and easy. No mistake can cost us Harper's life.

''Bryan, _now_ ,'' Bellamy commands one more time for the stubborn one among us. He finally follows, but fuck, he's a loose cannon. He really shouldn't be here.

''King Roan of Azgeda sent us,'' Bell says as he pulls out the Seal for everyone to see, his Trigedasleng horrible but still more than understandable. Even now in possible imminent danger, I find it freakin' endearing.

The woman who seems to be in charge takes the Seal, has a look, gives a nod, and for a moment I think that's it, we've done it, we have our safe passage, but then she turns around and punches Bellamy so hard with the Seal that he falls to the ground, and I don't even have time to react as the next thing I know is I'm on the ground as well as they're tying me up, hands behind my back.

*

''Where did you get this?'' the Chief fiddles with the Seal. Or at least, he has to be the Chief. Whatever he is, with me on my knees and my hands tied, most of the decision whether we live or die today is going to be made by him. 

For some reason, I am not afraid. It's not time yet, it can't be.

''King Roan,'' Bellamy replies, ''Skaikru and Azgeda are allies. He sent us to get a part of the ship, a machine.''

Then that woman intervenes. Or a girl? She can't be older than me. Yet she has most definitely been this unit's leader for a very long time now. They seem to listen to her as much as they listen to their Chief, and she's going to prove to be the real problem here.

''Haihefa Roan nou don komba raun Azgeda hashta thri yiron, you ( _King Roan hasn't returned to Azgeda in three years_ ),'' she says, ''Hakom osir na gifa in em pichu Skaikru? Banau Hainofa-de nou laik ai Haihefa. ( _Why should we care about his pet Skaikru? The banished Prince is not my King._ )''

''Oso nou gaf nou gonen in ( _We don't need any trouble_ ),'' the Chief argues, ''Won telon kom Roun na flosh klin ething oso don gran op hir. ( _One word from Roan could destroy everything we’ve worked for here._ )''

''Oso frag emo op, Taib, Haihefa-de nou na get em in nowe-! ( _If we kill them, Tybe, the King will never know-!_ )''

''He will know,'' I almost growl. The woman's next syllable jumps back into her throat. She's visibly taken aback by my complete understanding of their conversation. Chief Tybe, on the other hand, could not look more indifferent.

''Tsa jos dula’m klin, Dakiva ( _Let's just get this over with, Dakiva_ ),'' Tybe spits, producing a knife and cutting Bellamy's bonds first, ''Breik emo au! ( _Release them!_ )''

''Finally,'' I sigh, rubbing my wrists. Even my knees are sore.

''Where is this... _machine_ for the King?'' Chief Tybe asks with all the spite that will never make me trust him. I hope I won't need the knife in my boot.

*

One side of me tells me that if they wanted to kill us they would have done it by now, but the other side of me makes a good point thinking if they want to kill us right now we hardly stand a chance. We don't have any guns, and we're outnumbered. Bryan and Monty may know the Farm Station well, but I've been here about three times in my life, so the Grounders have one up on me in that aspect as well. All in all, I'm toast.

But it's not just that...

''Something's wrong,'' I mutter out loud. Bellamy looks at me with worry that he's trying not to let show, but I can see it. He means to walk confidently, representing us, representing the King, but he is just as worried and on the edge as I am.

And it's true. Something just _feels_ wrong.

''Ever read of a Grounder who could power up a spaceship?'' Monty quips, and just as Dakiva warns him about the no talking rule, it dawns on me. Yes!? Why is Farm Station powered up?! What is _happening_?!

We've come to the main generator room. Tybe seems to be having second thoughts for a moment before he opens that door for us, but he opens it anyway.

''Kampa, blinka daun! ( _Slaves, eyes down!_ )''

Slaves?!

Slaves. And so many of them. Children among them, elders... For as far as the eye can see.

Stepping into the room makes the air tighten around my throat, and I feel like I'll choke. _They_ are what's powering up Farm Station. And they look so beaten down and traumatized and underfed and weak that I cannot even fathom...

''Do what you came to do,'' Tybe hisses, but I cannot move. My feet are glued to the ground.

''Yo don sen em in: Kigon yo granen! ( _You heard him: Back to work!_ )''

''Come on,'' Bell clasps my wrist, urging me on gently. I tear my eyes off a little girl no older than Jessi. I cannot do this right now. I need to detach myself. Aren't we going to leave them to the flames anyway? Does any of this matter now?

Up the stairs we go.

''Riley? Riley!''

''Bryan, wait!!''

What the-?

I turn around. Bryan is holding one of the slaves - what the hell is he doing?! - hands on cheeks, tears in his eyes... Wait, is that-?

''I thought you were dead!''

Tybe is the one that pulls them apart roughly. Bellamy doesn't even take a moment to jump in; his protective instinct is all that he is right now. For some reason, I'm still on the staircase, mesmerized, in a stupor, in disbelief. Is that really...?

''Only the machine,'' Tybe warns, ''The rest is ours.''

Somehow, Bell manages to pull Bryan away, leaving Riley in his chains. I take one more look at the poor boy before we go back up the stairs, and even as I climb I know that look is one of the few things that will haunt me forever.

*

''I don't care if we're unarmed,'' Bryan argues as we try to take out the generator carefully, ''We can't just leave them.''

''We're in the Coalition now, so we ask the King to free them,'' reasons Harper, ''It's our best bet.''

I'm sweating like a pig now. I'm so nervous that I can't shake the jitters and can't stand still. I'm letting the others help Monty take care of the machinery but that in turn makes me even more nervous as I stand a look-out. I feel naked without my gun, and I can feel every eye in the room on me. From both the workers and the Azgeda alike. They all expect something from us. The slaves expect us to help them, which we can't, and the Azgeda expect us to give them a reason to kill us, which we mustn't.

''Not if it means leaving Riley,'' Bryan goes on.

''We won't, okay? But Harper's right,'' Bell says, ''We try diplomacy first. If that doesn't work, we come with reinforcements for the slaves. After we take home the machine. Right?''

''Yeah.''

It's that girl again. Why is she coming this way? Does she mean to haunt me?

''Dakiva is looking,'' I warn them. But as the little girl passes us by and drops a little note for us, at that exact moment Dakiva is called by one of her soldiers and looks away. A stroke of luck. We won't have many more of those.

Carefully, Bellamy picks it up and reads it.

''They're moving them.''

_Fuck._

''It's now or never,'' Bryan urges.

''We take the generator,'' I finally speak, my voice almost quivering with nervousness, ''One of us brings it back to Raven, the rest stay and free these people. We get our guns and we take them down.''

''We cannot clear Farm Station, not without losing our own,'' Monty argues, ''It would be five of us against... a lot.''

''Trojan horse,'' I say, ''We have people here.''

''People we can't free until we clear toward the generator room and even if we could, you think they can fight?'' Monty says, ''Look at them. The only thing we'd be doing is getting them killed.''

''Are there any other exits in here?'' asks Bell, desperately.

''It's completely sealed,'' replies Bryan, ''Came down from space in here because it's the most secure room in the ship.''

''It's designed that way, in case the hydrazine blew,'' explains Monty.

Bellamy's face suddenly changes, like he has an idea. I know that face and - right now - I'm not sure if I like it.

''What?'' Harper asks him.

''We have a bomb,'' replies Bellamy.

Now it's my turn to ask:

''What?!''

''Wait a second,'' Nate intervenes, ''The end of the world is coming and you want to destroy the one thing that will keep our people alive?!''

''Not all of our people,'' Bryan argues, ''What about Riley?''

''As awful as it sounds, Bryan, he is one person,'' I say, ''We need to think this plan through. We cannot jeopardize hundreds to save one.''

''I vote that we take it home,'' Nathan says.

''No, we blow it up,'' argues Bryan.

''I'm with Bryan,'' says Harper, ''I know what it's like to be locked up and afraid. You didn't leave us in Mount Weather, we shouldn't leave them here.''

''Can we build another machine?'' asks Bellamy.

''No way!'' Monty replies ''The tech's too advanced.''

''We have six months, we have Raven,'' Bell argues, ''Are you telling me she can't find another way to make water?''

''Yes,'' replies Monty, ''Look, I know you want to make up for the things you've done, believe me, we all do, but we need to think of the big picture. Twenty-five people instead of five hundred? We're talking about the human race, Bellamy. We need to get this machine back to Arkadia. It's the only way.''

''It's two and two for us. Comes down to the two of you,'' Harper says to us, ''What's it gonna be?''

*

''We need to think very hard about what we're doing here,'' I whisper, but I might as well be howling it. The desperation in my voice is unmistakable. Dragging Bellamy to the side seems to do nothing because I still feel like the whole Farm Station is listening to us, even if it's impossible.

''Hard, but quick,'' he says, ''We're running out of time.''

''This morning you were ready to leave these people to the flames,'' I say, '' _We_ were ready. What changed?''

''This morning I was, now I am not. Now I can't,'' he argues, eyes glistening, ''I cannot look them in the eyes and turn my back on them.''

''I'm willing to fight for them, Bell, just say the word. We can still use my plan-''

''No, we can't. I will not put all of you at such a high risk,'' he says, ''We either do this, or we don't.''

''You think Raven can find another way?''

''I do.''

I nod, ''Okay. Okay. Then I'm with you, whatever you decide.''

''Don't do that,'' he says, ''Don't put it on me.''

''I'm not! The weight of this decision is heavy, and I don't want the responsibility to be yours only. It's not, it won't be,'' I shake my head, ''I'm with you. Together.''

''Together.''


	3. Chapter 3

''What happened to _you_?!'' I hear Nathan's voice ask from somewhere behind me. In response, I silently slide him a cup of moonshine across the surface. He accepts it without a word as he sits down next to me.

The mess is empty but for us. Most of the lights are shut down also, as most of the energy is being used elsewhere. We're prioritizing all of our resources. I cannot pinpoint exactly how late in the night it is. It's the hour of some chilly emptiness, and the silence being broken by nothing but the two of us is making me feel even more hollow now.

''I haven't seen you all day, I think,'' Nate says after a while.

''I was working. Like everyone else.''

''Riley's doing better.''

''Good,'' I take another sip, nodding, ''That's good.''

''Look... there's no point thinking back on it now,'' says Nate, ''What's done is done. And we all did it, together.''

He doesn't know... Well, not yet, at least.

''I'm not looking back, Nate. I'm looking to what's ahead,'' I reply, ''I don't regret saving a life. But I have the right to worry about how many I may have jeopardized in the process.''

''You do,'' he says, takes a sip, scrunches his nose. The moonshine is strong as hell. Then, after a while of silence, he says:

''Bryan can hardly even look at me.''

I place my hand over his ungloved fingers. ''He'll come around,'' I say, and think how I'll do everything within my power to make sure Nathan Miller is behind those doors when the radiation hits.

*

The sun is about to set, and the orange rays are almost blinding as they burst through the trees to reach me. Maybe I should have slept more last night, and probably had less alcohol, because right now I'm starting to feel the tiredness seeping into my bones. It's been a long day, just like it was yesterday, and the day before, and just like it's going to be tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. The hunt doesn't get easier. Apparently, it just gets less productive.

I sit on the ground for some rest, but I know the true reason why I sent the group ahead to Arkadia without me is because I don't want to face anyone yet. Every day we bring less and less food back, and today I would like to avoid the looks of disappointment and the pure worry radiating out of Raven. 

Rand breaks my heart even more. His hunting party is doing far better than mine, but even so the game is meager, and they don't bring back nearly as much as they should. It's not his fault, just like it's not mine, but it doesn't make either of us feel any better. His frustration with it and the way he feels like he's not doing enough to contribute and help is tearing me up because deep down I know that no matter how much he does - if it's up to my people - he won't be behind those doors when the radiation comes anyway. And he doesn't know this, nor does he consider our traitorous nature. His chances are next to non-existent, I know. And that's why I need to do everything I can to make sure he stands a chance.

But first, I need a selfish moment of rest. I need the forest. I need some peace.

I remember how, in the beginning, when we thought we were the only humans on earth, these forests were the most beautiful thing to us, just absolutely, breathtakingly magical. Being born and growing up in space kind of tends to do that to you - makes a tree a miracle. Half the time I couldn't even stay within camp borders - I just wanted to see, to feel, to touch.

Then the forests became everything we feared, and for a while they were only that. The trees hid dangers, they hid death. We learned to avoid them, to walk in the clears, to be prepared for anything, one eye always on the darkness. Even in our sleep, we feared them. If we could have, we would have cut all the trees down within a five mile radius just so we could sleep with more peace at night.

Now, having faced everything that we have, and having yet to face what we will, it's hard to be afraid. Or at least, it's hard to be that kind of afraid. Now you fear time, you fear the rains, and you fear your inability to protect your loved ones. You don't fear the trees anymore.

So it went full circle. Now I feel just like in the beginning, sitting here on this small ridge, grass between my fingertips, watching the trees as they sway in the wind. The forest brings me peace. The cold dirt below is grounding me, keeping me tied to the reality of things. I'm here, I'm here, I'm still here.

I should go back to camp, the sound of my people hard at work reminds me of it. But I cannot move. I don't want to. Just one more minute.

*

''Nyko?!''

I almost feel like my eyes are fooling me when I see him eating in the mess, but when he grabs my forearm I know that it's truly him.

''What are you doing here?!''

So he tells me. He tells me of the dead fish, of Luna, of the sick, of how they're being taken care of by my people, and I know. It's started. 

Fuck. I just came back, I haven't even seen Bellamy since this morning, and this is what I come back to and how I learn?

Nyko goes on to tell me everything, his whole story since last I saw him, and it doesn't much differ from mine. We all had to survive somehow. I'm just glad he's okay now. It feels good to see him. He, too, is something I keep from a different time, a time long passed.

''Ste yuj ( _Stay strong_ ),'' I tell him before we part ways, as he clasps my forearm once more. Only one hundred of us will survive, and - chances are - neither of us will be among them.

*

''Good, the whole squad's here.''

''Raven, we need to talk-,'' I start. Maybe we need to go over our rationing plans again, together. I didn't see her yesterday after our hunt, and I need to explain to her just how bad the situation is out there. We need to widen our radius, and if we're going to go out to hunt then we're going to have to go further, take more risks, and stay longer. Might be we'll need more people on it too, and different tactics.

''Yeah, we do,'' she nods to us in response, before turning back to one of her screens. Bellamy's fingers touch mine lightly, the first contact we've had since early this morning, which feels like three days ago now. He gives me a small hint of a smile that's gone before anyone else might catch it. He's so tired, and I've seen that shadow in him before. It's the shadow of guilt, but at least this time he's managing it. Besides, the guilt belongs to all of us, as all guilt ever has. I wonder if he'll ever accept that.

''So Luna's rig is here,'' Raven points on the large map on the screen, ''And if the fish in these waters are dying, well... basically we're screwed.''

''What do you mean?'' I ask.

''I don't understand,'' Bell says, ''ALIE said we had six months.''

''We don't.''

''Well, then how long do we have?'' asks Clarke.

''It's hard to say. Radiation is dispersed by jet stream and carried by ocean currents, so it's not an exact science, but the leading indicators are small species die-offs - fish, insects,'' explains Raven, ''Based on the new data, I'd say we have... two months of survivability. Maybe less.''

''The Ark won't be ready,'' Bellamy deadpans.

''It'll be close,'' Raven says, ''If we triple the man hours and work round the clock, we should be able to achieve a hard seal before the black rain comes. We just have to decide who gets to live here.''

''Raven, we're not talking about the list again,'' argues Clarke.

''Clarke, we are running out of time,'' insists Raven, ''We have to make a plan for the day we close the doors, drill for it, make sure only the survivors have guns, agree on protocols for dealing with the people who are pissed off they're not chosen. You asked me to be in charge of rationing, and I am doing it, but choosing who gets to live or die is your specialty.''

Cold. Damn cold, even if it's true. I almost wince at the words.

''Did I miss out on something?'' I ask in response to the sound of the engine running, ''We have a mission t-?''

''No one's scheduled to take the rover,'' Raven cuts me off.

*

''What the hell do you think you're doing?!'' I demand, but my own words make me almost wince. Even though this man doesn't really deserve any more courtesies, my entire life Thelonius Jaha has been a well respected man in my eyes, if not well feared. He used to be a doubtlessly strong authority figure, and the kid in me might still remember him as such. 

''Out of the vehicle,'' Bellamy orders.

''I need to make a run.''

''All supply runs go through me,'' says Raven, ''And shouldn't you be working on the patch to sector 5?''

''A patch for a ship that can only save a hundred people?'' Jaha responds as he gets out of the rover, ''Why are you surprised? I am an engineer. We have no way to generate water. The harder number is 400. Can you really sentence 400 more of our own people to death?''

''We don't have a choice,'' replies Clarke.

''What if you do?'' Jaha shoots back, ''What if I told you there might be a fallout shelter less than a day's drive from here, a fallout shelter built to sustain thousands?''

''What are you talking about?'' I ask, confused.

''We've been through the chancellor's files,'' Raven asserts, ''All the bunkers you considered for the hundred were listed as compromised or unviable, and now Mount Weather is, too.''

''Those were government bunkers,'' he says, handing Bellamy a tablet as though it's gonna explain everything. I lean in to look at the article.

''A doomsday cult?'' asks Bell.

''That's right. The Second Dawn.''

''They built a bunker?'' Clarke asks.

''Their whole theology was based on riding out the end of the world.''

''And why didn't you consider it?'' demands Raven.

''We couldn't prove it existed.''

''So why are you considering it now?'' asks Bell.

''Because before now, we didn't need it.''

''You found it,'' says Clarke, ''Didn't you?''

''We can't be sure unless we check it out.''

''No,'' Raven refuses, ''No way. We need that rover for hauling pieces of a 3-ton patch we're build-''

''Yeah, but if he's right we don't need a patch,'' argues Clarke.

''She's right,'' I agree.

''Can I talk to you guys for a second?!''

Clarke, Bellamy and I take a step back, and I already know we're gonna get scolded.

''Can you please remind Clarke what happened the last time Jaha went looking for salvation?''

''Raven, we're all angry,'' I insist, ''Murphy's the only one who survived out of everyone who followed the lunatic on that little trip of fate of his. And I could have murdered him with my bare hands for it. I will never trust him again. Still, this might be the kind of shot that at this point we just gotta take.''

''Raven, if that bunker is real, we can save a lot more than a hundred people,'' Bellamy reminds her.

''If it's not, we've lost another day.''

''Hey, look. If it's not, I'll make the list,'' Clarke gives in, ''Ok?''

''Oh, do what you want. I've got a ship to seal.''

She storms off, angry as a bull.

''I'll drive,'' I say.

*

It's the black of night by the time we reach the area where this preacher guy's childhood home was. Flashlights in hand, we make our way across the growth. I don't dare foster any hopes, because I'm really not ready for another letdown. My heart's become somewhat fragile over time, ironically, even if I'm nothing but steel and concrete on the outside. 

''Having seen all those videos, I have to say, Bellamy sounds more right by the minute,'' I say, seeing my breath in the cold air, ''A textbook religious fanatic, that guy. He wouldn't be the only conspiracy freak of his time either. Apparently there were whole channels dedicated to these different theories and alternate news sources and what-not. Every other nerd on YouTube was yelling Armageddon.''

''Except they were right,'' Bell grins, ''So they weren't nerds with conspiracies, were they?''

''They were at the _time_.''

''And the stuff proved true,'' he teases, ''So they can't be.''

''Oh, semantics,'' I roll my eyes, trying not to smile. These exchanges and silly intellectual banter have been our only respite from the harsh reality lately. I don't even care if he wins.

''Cadegan learned how to survive from his father,'' Jaha says, ''They hunted in these woods.''

''Me too, he ain't special,'' I joke, getting a smirk out of Bell and Clarke.

Jaha pauses, takes one last look at the picture in his hands, before he announces:

''This is it.''

''Well, if anyone's entitled to a lucky break,'' Bellamy says, ''We are.''

''Amen to that,'' I grumble, squeezing Bellamy's fingers gently one more time before taking off ahead. If there's nothing out there, then let me be the first to know it.


	4. Chapter 4

''You know, for a moment there, I really thought we would actually find something,'' Clarke says, ''I didn't just hope, I was almost... _convinced_. How can I still be so stupid after everything?''

''You're not stupid, Clarke, you're human. Which some might argue is the same thing,'' I make myself give her a comforting smile. She smiles back, but I know it doesn't work.

''Well, it was a bust, but at least we tried,'' Bellamy says dreamily, half-asleep in the back of the rover, ''At least, now we know.''

''Now we know,'' I agree with a nod, eyes ahead on the darkness. It's gonna be morning by the time we make it back to Arkadia, ''Of course it was a bust,'' I whisper to myself, trying not to shake my head. I wouldn't say I'm disappointed, just pissed off. No lucky breaks for us after all, huh.

''I don't wanna hear a word from any of you when we get to Raven, alright?'' I say, ''I could have seriously damaged the rover hauling that bunker door. She'll kick my ass.''

*

A few days have passed since the whole bunker fiasco, but somehow it's still in the back of my mind somewhere, and I don't know why I can't quite shake it off. It's like it's stuck there as a warning and a reminder not to get too hopeful about this Nightblood solution either. Yes, Luna is alive and well and maybe having Nightblood would save us all but the chances of actually reverse-engineering...? Best not think about it too much. Most probably another bust. Still... it's worth trying. It sounds like our best shot yet.

Arkadia is as hard at work as ever. Turns out not knowing only a fifth of us are going to survive does wonders for the morale. I can actually see smiles and enthusiasm around, like all of this work is just a breeze. Even the kids are giving every last bits of themselves. Ten minutes ago I saw Jessi hauling a piece of metal that seemed larger than her own damn self. It gives me joy and breaks my heart at the same time, and I don't know what to do with it. My stomach twists in a hard knot at the thought of their demise, yet it's all I'm working toward. What else _can_ I do?

If there is a God, I sure hope he's forgiving.

''Clarke, what the hell am I doing here?!''

''You are resting a bit before your next hunting trip, that's what the hell you're doing,'' she argues back, ''You're no use to me if you break a leg out there. Besides, there's plenty of smaller ways you can help around here before you go again.''

''You know damn well I'm wasted on this,'' I say, ''And you know even better I should have gone with Abby and Raven.''

''Miller and a few of his own unit are security enough,'' Clarke replies, ''And Luna, Nyko and Emori are there besides. They'll be fine.''

I know she's right. I'm just restless and frustrated, and everything is driving me crazier than ever. Raven, Clarke, Jasper... Bellamy. No one is helping my state of mind.

''Still nothing from Bellamy?'' Clarke asks me, like she's reading my thoughts.

''No. Still hasn't come in,'' I shake my head, ''But radio silence is not reason enough to worry. It happens to us all the time.''

She nods. I wonder if I've told her this to persuade her or to persuade myself. I wonder if she gave me that nod to comfort me instead.

God, he has to be alright. I can't even think about the slightest possibility of anything happening to Bellamy. It's just not an option at this point. And it was me that insisted on getting more people out on hunting rounds and I can't help but feel it will be my fault if Bellamy so much as cuts a finger. 

And at the same time I know I'm being ridiculous and that my worries are silly. I know that Bellamy can more than just handle himself out there, probably even better than myself. I just think I couldn't bear losing him. I can hardly bear just the thought of it.

''I think I'll just see if Harper needs help,'' I announce, swallowing all of my thoughts right back. Clarke nods in approval, and I make myself scarce.

Best keep busy.

*

''Raven...?''

The room seems empty and I'm just about ready to leave when I notice someone sitting on the floor in the corner. The dimmed lights have cast a long shadow across my friend, but a better look makes me realize it's not Raven at all.

''Monty?''

He looks up. I immediately know something's up even before I can actually see his face, because the desperation is absolutely radiating out of him. I take a step forward. 

''What happened?''

''Did you know?!''

''Monty-''

''DID YOU KNOW?!'' he gets up and storms right out the last of shadows. I can see the anger now, there is anger and there is grief both, and it's the worst possible combination to have. I know, because I've suffered from it for a very, very long time.

''Calm down,'' I say, ''Know what?''

''About Clarke's little list?''

''I know that Raven was pushing her to make that list but-''

''And you were fine with it?''

''Fine with it?!? No one is _fine_ with it, Monty; _Clarke_ is not fine with it!! But it has to be done!!''

''Spoken like someone sitting pretty on spot number 98.''

''What?!''

''Oh, yeah. Congratulations,'' Monty says spitefully, ''You made the list.''

''I- I don't understand,'' - _What?!_ \- ''H-How me? I-''

''Guess you're just lucky.''

''Monty-''

''Don't think I'm angry at you because you're on the list, Tasha, because I'm not,'' he says, ''It's not about that, and I know it wasn't your call anyway. But the fact that none of you - none of you! - thought to put Clarke in check for just _one_ moment! One! Jasper's detained! She tasered him, then locked him up. That's who she's become now. That's the society we're building for when the day comes and that door closes.''

I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think first. 

''Welcome back to the Ark, Natasha Parish.''

*

I'm so angry I can hear the sound of my own footsteps echoing so hard they're reverberating in my very skull. I'm stomping with such force hoping to God some of the anger will seep right out of me by the time I reach her because I don't want my hand around Clarke Griffin's throat now that the thought of it seems so sweet.

''How _dare_ you?!?''

''Tasha-''

The door slams closed behind me way louder than I meant it to. Any stronger and it might have triggered an alarm, but I am just _so angry_.

''Don't Tasha me! Why did you put me on the list?!?''

'' _Why_?!'' she asks incredulously, as though in disbelief, ''Of all the reasons in the world to be angry with me, you're angry because I want you to _live_?''

''Don't banalize it, Clarke,'' I spit back, ''You're not doing either of us any favors by pretending it's that simple.''

''T-''

''No. Stop. I want an explanation. You owe me that, I _deserve_ that much!!''

''What do you want me to _say_?!'' she despairs.

''What makes me more worthy than anyone else? Huh?'' I demand, ''What puts me on that list, Clarke? Because as far as I know, I'm not a scientist. I can't even fix a wrist-watch. You need fighters? You got a dozen guards out there way better trained than me. You need a - what did Kane call it - cultural bridge? You need the knowledge of these lands, how to survive and live out there? For fuck's sake, Clarke, even if a Grounder survives out there, you'll have Octavia t-''

'' _Why_ are you so _angry_?!'' she asks, almost ready to cry. I can actually see her eyes glistening.

''I am _angry_ , because you never considered any of us. I am _angry_ because you never asked any of us if we want to be on that list or not. Maybe, just _maybe_ , I want to give my slot to someone else. It's my right!!''

''It's not!! It doesn't work like that!! It's bigger than you, bigger than any of us!!'' she growls back, ''The people on that list are on that list because they are needed for humanity to continue-''

''But I'm _not_ needed, am I, Clarke?! Be real with me here for one fucking second because I'm damn sure there is no list in this world that has me but not Monty Greene on it.''

''There's no list in this world that has Bellamy but not you on it,'' she replies, almost quietly, all fight gone right out of her, ''I would never do that to him.''

Everything in me breaks.

*

Just before the sun was about to set, Monty Green broke the silence and caused chaos. 

When he read the list of names through a speaker for all of Arkadia to hear, it was a ticking time bomb before all hell breaks loose. I listened to it all from the inside, unable to bring myself to face any of them with my name on that piece of paper. When I later heard that Jaha announced it's going to be a lottery of names in the end instead, it lifted some of that shame off of me. 

Everyone else seems to be at peace with this option as well, having gone right back to work. At this time yesterday they were ready to tear Clarke apart as soon as Monty finished speaking, but now they're working like the list never happened. And even though I know a lottery could be our demise, it's a fact of life that people need to hold on to something. If they have nothing to work or fight for, they will not work or fight. It's really simple.

And even if a lottery _is_ risky, at least it's more fair, and maybe we're just not cut out for tough decisions that will save humanity. Maybe we're not the stuff of legends. Maybe we just need a sleepy conscience. 

Oh, Bellamy... I know he would never accept to be on any list I'm not on, but the thought of it still threatens to break me to pieces. I have no problems admitting that the love he has for me is oftentimes incomprehensible to me. Sometimes I don't even _like_ myself, let alone love. It's a challenge with the way we live and with everything that we have to do. So how can _he_ love me so much? How am I worthy of such strong force within him?

And even if it had been Clarke's decision to put me on that list, I know she was acting on Bellamy's behalf. He didn't have to tell her. She knows him, and despite everything, I know how much Clarke loves him. I know she would never hurt him by hurting somebody he loves. She'd never let him live out the rest of his days in grief.

The thought of it softens my heart. Maybe I wasn't being entirely fair by yelling at her so much. I told her we would split the burden, and I meant it, and I've been helping her to the best of my abilities every step of the way, but I was just _so_ angry. Not because she made the list, not because she didn't put certain people on it, not because she's playing God, not because of any of it. I understand it, I understand _her_. I just hate that she never even consulted me.

''Going somewhere?''

''It's good to see _you_ out of solitary,'' I tease, fastening my back-pack, ''Going hunting.''

''Alone?'' Jasper asks.

''Yeap. Figured it's better,'' I reply, getting my jacket, ''I want to look for Bellamy on the way, see if I can join them. Not that I'm worried.''

''Of course not,'' Jasper smiles.

''You? Feeling better?''

''Living life like each moment's my last,'' he spreads his arms, that sarcastic grin of his plastered across his face.

''Always hated your irony, Jasper,'' I mock-punch him as I pass to get my gun.

''Wasn't being ironic.''

''Good for you then.''

'' _Tasha?! Tasha!! You there?!? Tasha!!_ '' I can hear someone calling from the outside of my room, running. I don't know what's echoing more, the voice or the footsteps.

''Sean?!''

''Tasha,'' he wheezes once he gets through the door - he _has_ been running, hard, ''Clarke needs you, come fast, Octavia's back, w-''

''What happened?! Sean, breathe. Easy. What happened?''

''W-We're at war.''


	5. Chapter 5

''Where is she?!'' I demand before I even step into medical, ''Is she alright?! What happened?!''

I find Octavia in a bed, beat up and unconscious, and Clarke standing over her like a worried mother.

''She'll be fine,'' Clarke assures me, barely taking her eyes off the wounded girl, ''She lost a lot of blood but she'll recover. She needs to rest.''

''What happened to her?''

''I'm not sure,'' Clarke turns to me, ''But Octavia's not what we should be worried about right now. I have to stay and monitor her, but I need you with David Miller.''

''What's going on, Clarke?'' I demand, ''What's this crap about a war coming-?''

''I have no idea, but whatever it is that's coming, we need to be ready for it,'' she replies, worry etched into her every feature, ''We're already stretched thin as it is. Go!''

So I do.

I all but run to the ranking officer's quarters and when I finally get to it I find it already packed - every guard in Arkadia has huddled around David Miller and his map, the fear in the air almost palpable. I'm barely spared a glance when I enter. Harper looks at me like the world might actually end in the next hour. Monty tries to hide it. Everyone else is waiting for a plan, and David's face makes me think he doesn't have one. Something twists in the pit of my stomach. The quietness in the room isn't helping.

''Okay. We station gunners along the wall,'' he finally says, ''That way, we can thin their numbers before they get a chance to close the distance.''

''And when they get close?'' Harper asks.

''Hydrazine. We buried what was left in the engines when we landed. It's being dug up right now,'' he says, ''We're gonna pour it into the trenches.''

''Sounds like the best plan we could possibly come up with at the moment,'' I admit.

''All we have to do is spread it in front of the outer wall,'' David adds, ''Then when the army gets close...''

''We light them up,'' Riley and I say at the same time. He gives me a small, scared smile at that. I find it in me to smile back.

''That's right,'' nods David.

''You want to light a fire outside the ship we just spent the last month getting ready?'' Monty asks.

''That's not happening,'' Clarke says - I didn't even hear her come in, ''Any word from Kane?''

''No, but Jaha found the cargo truck 12 hours out,'' replies Monty, ''No sign of Bellamy or Stephens.''

''I was gonna go after them, but apparently we have a murderous horde stopping by for tea today,'' I try to control my anger, but I can feel it seeping into my bones again, ''Even so, I'm not leaving them out there.''

''They might be safer than we are right now,'' Clarke tells me, ''I need you here.''

''I'm flattered, Clarke, but I don't think I'm gonna make much difference when-''

''I have to speak to Roan,'' she cuts me off.

''Speak to Roan?!?''

''Something happened, ok? Some sort of misunderstanding.''

''Clarke, if he wanted to talk, he wouldn't be coming with his army,'' Harper agrees with me.

''Right, but there's only one way to get here from Polis,'' Clarke says, ''I'll ride out and meet him.''

''No, absolutely not,'' David refuses.

''It's too dangerous, Clarke,'' I shake my head.

''Actually, that might work,'' says Monty.

''Monty, what are you talking about?'' Harper asks.

''The Ice Nation thinks they have the element of surprise, but, thanks to Octavia, we do. Pike showed us how valuable that can be.''

''You're citing Pike?'' she asks incredulously.

''As awful as that sounds, yes.''

''Say what you want about the man but he knew what he was doing,'' I agree.

''If we're gonna do this, we need every detail planned out, every variable accounted for,'' David gives in. He can't hide that he doesn't like this one bit, his face shows everything. I don't like it either, but it sure as hell beats letting them come to our doorstep. We'll get crushed, hydrazine or no.

''The Mountain Pass,'' I exclaim excitedly, slamming a finger to the point on the map as soon as I spot it, ''If we're gonna meet them, we have to catch them here. We'll be able to position and conceal Clarke's back-up all over the ridges. I know this area like the back of my hand.''

''She's right. We need the terrain that we'll know and that will aid us,'' David says, ''We can hope it won't come to a fight, but if it does - this is how we'll stand a shot. With our environment working with us, not against us. Worst case scenario, we can retreat more safely.''

''Roan will be leading the army,'' I add, ''If they know we have a sniper on him, they won't dare make a wrong move.''

''Okay, the Mountain Pass it is then,'' Clarke nods, ''Can we make it in time?''

''If we start getting ready like thirty minutes ago, yes,'' I say.

*

My God, they're formidable. I can't even guess how many they've mustered for this, but from up here I can see the army stretch beyond my sight. Everything about the Azgeda army works toward making them more terrifying - their numbers, their banners, their colors, their outfits, their weapons, the way they sound. It would be such easy slaughter for them if we didn't have our technology, it's almost absurd just to think about. I catch myself swallow something back.

Through the scope of the sniper, I watch them come. I see Roan and Echo ride side by side, at the vanguard, looking every bit the leaders that they are.

When the realization of what's going on sets in, the army halts. I zoom in enough to see Roan curse and exchange orders with the ones closest to him. On the other side, Clarke stands alone. She looks smaller than I've ever seen a person look. 

''We need to talk!'' Clarke announces. Her voice almost doesn't belong to her stature. She seems small, but she speaks with confidence, like she's unafraid. I know better.

''Little late for that,'' Roan replies, ''Reinja!!! Lok Wanheda in!!! ( _Archers!!! Target Wanheda!!!_ )''

Every bowman in the vanguard nocks an arrow ready to pierce Clarke's flesh. I inhale sharply; a breath of wind could tear her apart now. I swallow again, focus on breathing steadily. My heartbeat barely stabilizes. This is nothing out of order; we were expecting this.

I turn on the red dot. ''Not so fast, great king,'' I breathe to myself. His body is now almost covered by green dots, joined by a single red dot bright between his brows. _You're in the palm of my hand._

The king finally looks up and looks around, sees us on the ridges. He seems to try to spot every single one of us. His archers follow, their arrows now pointed at us, pointed high in all of our different directions, a few arrows for each gunner.

For a sliver of a moment there, it looks like Roan's eyes have locked with mine, but that would be impossible. I shouldn't be able to be seen at all from behind here. Even so, my heart stops for a second, violently. I don't know why his gaze shakes me up so much, like it puts me in sudden mortal danger.

 _Focus, Natasha, God damn it._ I can't be deterred by anything right now.

'' _Remember, no one fires unless fired upon_ ,'' I can hear David Miller through my earpiece, '' _The radiation's our enemy, not the Ice Nation_.''

''Well, right now it looks like we have no shortage of enemies, officer,'' I grumble to myself, offline. I can feel a single irritating drop of sweat slowly sliding down my right temple. 

_Easy. Breathe._

We're at a complete stand-off. For a few moments, nothing happens, like the world itself is at a standstill and time has stopped in all of our known universe. Then, Roan nods to Echo, and she gives an order I cannot decipher. Not a moment later two prisoners are led to the front and thrown down to their knees and even before they take those rags off their faces I know, I know, I know, I would know him anywhere. 

My heart is in my throat, pulsating as fast as a ticking bomb just a few seconds away from exploding. For a few moments I hear nothing but my own blood in my ears. Heat covers my entire body, before a sudden cold sets in. It's like something is clutching my throat until I remind myself to breathe again. _Breathe._

This changes everything. I can't do this. My hand may be steady but there is no way I can now be trusted or relied upon. If it comes down to choosing between doing the right thing tactically and saving Bellamy's life, I might be the bane of us all. I might be our death.

I'm not surprised to see him there. I should have known. Maybe deep down I _have_ known, all this time, I just didn't want to believe it. I expected to see Kane here, Bellamy I refused to.

There is a sword way too close to Bellamy's neck, but I have a bullet ready to pierce Roan's skull, and it won't be a difficult decision for me to switch my targets.

'' _Okay, guys, here we are,_ '' Harper says like she can read my mind; even if she doesn't specify it, I know she's talking to me, '' _Let's not lose our heads. Easy._ '' 

''Ten minutes!'' Clarke implores, helping bring more of me back to reality, ''That's all I ask!''

Roan hesitates for one split of a second, then moves, and I realize he's getting off his horse. I realize it's working. Echo says something I can't quite hear, maybe trying to intervene, to stop him, but Roan says something to her right back and walks away anyway, following Clarke's footsteps.

'' _Okay, shooters. They're moving towards the cave_ ,'' David announces, '' _Let the king go._ ''

I move my target. The red dot is now dancing happily between the eyes of the warrior next to Bellamy. If he so much as breathes toward him, he's dead.

'' _Damn it, what are you doing, Riley?!_ '' I can hear Monty's voice in my ear, '' _Your target is the army. Clarke is negotiating with their king. Stop targeting. Over._ ''

''What the h-?'' I can afford one moment to move the gun and look through the scope, but I regret it when I do. Of course it's Riley, still targeting Roan like the loose canon that he is. We keep making the same damn mistake over and over again; he should never have even been considered for the task.

'' _Riley, respond,_ '' insists Monty.

''Riley, God damn it; what the hell are you doing?!'' I demand.

'' _Negotiating with these people is a waste of time,_ '' Riley finally responds, '' _We have the high ground. We have the guns. We should just take them out._ ''

''Negative, we stick to the plan. This is not your decision to make. You're disobeying a direct order. Stand down,'' I insist, ''Riley, I repeat: stand down.''

'' _I don't take orders from you, you're not my commanding officer._ ''

'' _Guess what, she just got promoted,_ '' David all but growls the next words: '' _Stand. Down._ ''

'' _You really think Ice Nation gives a damn about your plan?_ '' Riley insists, '' _I have a clear shot on the king!_ ''

''And I will not hesitate to shoot you should you so much as make an attempt,'' I reply, ''Riley, I need you to understand. I have a clear shot on you.''

'' _You're not gonna shoot me._ ''

''You're wrong.''

'' _Riley, this is a tinder box. One shot, and we'll be at war,_ '' Monty urges, begs even, '' _If you do this, it will be a massacre. You need to stand down right now._ ''

''Riley,'' I warn again. He can't do this to me right now, I can't keep a target locked both on Bellamy's captor and Riley on the ridge across from me.

Finally, after a moment that stretches for a horrible eternity, Riley stands down. Echo doesn't waste a moment before she shapes up her archers and spreads her infantry. My eyes are back on Bellamy, my only objective now keeping him safe. 

Now we wait, and hope to God no one takes a shot.

*

'' _All units, radio check,_ '' I hear David call, '' _Unit one._ ''

''Unit one, check,'' I reply.

'' _Unit two._ '' Nothing. '' _Unit two._ ''

''What the fuck is going on in here today,'' I grumble to myself. I'm way too irritable in this state as it is.

'' _Riley, where are you?!_ '' calls David.

'' _Costa, you got eyes on Riley?_ '' I can hear Monty ask now.

'' _Went to take a leak,_ '' replies Costa.

'' _How long ago?_ ''

'' _I don't know. Not long._ ''

'' _Did he leave his rifle?_ ''

'' _Negative. Took it with him. Left his radio, though._ ''

Fuck.

'' _Monty, what are you doing?!_ '' I can hear David ask now, '' _Maintain your position. I repeat, maintain your position!_ ''

''If Riley's about to do something extremely stupid, going after him is the best decision anyone's made since we got here,'' I reply.

Monty walks out in front of the army with empty hands raised up in the air, and a guard drags him to Echo immediately. I follow intently, gun locked on the person posing most danger to our guys. There is an exchange of words I can only partly decipher, but after a short conversation Echo seems to give in to the words, whatever they are. Some of the hostility simply dissipates.

'' _This is Chancellor Kane,_ '' I can suddenly hear a familiar voice in my ear, the sound of it giving me some relief.

'' _Sir, are you all right?_ '' asks David.

'' _Listen to me. Bellamy's working with one of theirs to find Riley. You let them through, understood?_ ''

'' _Copy that._ ''

Monty takes Bellamy's place, chained up next to Kane. Echo gives them a few final orders before she and Bellamy walk out, his hands still tied, walking in front, Echo completely armed, walking in tow. I curse. I cannot keep him safe now. My hands feel about as tied as his. I want to jump out of my own damn skin; I feel like a good scream would do me good.

Now it's my time to say it. ''Keep your head, guys,'' I say, and I hate that my voice is shaky, ''Harper, stay with me.'' She doesn't reply, but I can see her give me a firm nod. 

More waiting. I cannot wait for this day to be over, I just hope we're all alive by the end of it.

*

It seems to be a terrible eternity before we see them come back, but the sight of Bellamy alive and well seems to lift all the weight off of me like nothing had ever happened. I could soar and fly. Roan and Clarke are soon behind them, but it feels like another eternity anyway, filled with the uncertainty of if we're out of the woods or not. If we will spill and shed blood or not.

The mere fact that Clarke is neither dead nor a captive should be telling enough, but Roan still needs to explain the new situation and announce it out loud for everyone, and even then most don't really understand. He calls off his army, and I can faintly hear orders to retreat and rendezvous, but neither of the sides seem to quite _get_ what's going on for a couple of moments. We all just stand there, equally stupefied. She _did it_. She actually negotiated that truce.

_She freakin' did it._

*

Echo hand-picks her finest warriors as their escort back to Arkadia, and if there's one thing that's true it's that this woman knows what the hell she's doing. If we didn't have a back-up team shadowing the escort, I'd be worried about our guys there. Echo's chosen may be only a few, but they're a team bred for this kind of thing. They would swallow us up down there.

Then again, I'm pretty sure Roan has a shadow team in these woods also. After all, they trust us just as much as we trust them right now. I don't know who's safer - our people in the escort or me in these woods, shadowing them. 

I better not think about any of that. We did it, it's over, we have the truce and we're out of the kill-box and we're going home. I'm starting to see enemies everywhere. I used to have a bit more faith than this. A healthy amount of paranoia is good, but anything more will cripple me.

I wonder what Clarke's managed to negotiate, because I'm certain it's deviated from the original plan. It has to have, because there is no way Roan would have called off his army based on a whim and a prayer. She had to give him more and I'm sure she has. I just don't know what it is yet, and it's tickling my curiosity. I've had this underlying bad feeling since we started trekking home - akin to nervousness - and I cannot put a finger on why. I just want to be inside our walls. Maybe I'll leave all of this at the gates.

I'm about two miles away from Arkadia's outer walls when I see the smoke above the treeline. It takes me a moment to truly understand where it's coming from. At one point I just stop in my tracks and stare. I watch the dark plumes become thicker, rise higher, kiss the darkening heavens and swallow the skies. And then I know. 

All else goes out of existence. I run.


	6. Chapter 6

As I watch our home burn, all I can think about is how all of this can't be anything but some sort of poetic justice. All the work and strife and blood we invested into patching up this ship is now completely wasted, but all that's on my mind is how we don't have to leave four hundred of our people out to die a horrible death anymore. And not just our four hundred, thousands more of others. Only now, we might _all_ die, every single one of us. Why are the prospects of that more comforting than the alternative? 

I would have expected to have more than just one initial moment of shock and sadness and desperation, but I don't. All I feel right after it all is some odd sort of relief. That can't be normal, but I'm barely even present in the moment so I cannot even think to question my sanity right now. I am mesmerized, stupefied, like this whole fiasco has cast a spell on me.

For a while I can't do anything but watch, and even the after-explosions hardly make me flinch. I am enchanted by the terror of it, my feet glued to the ground, breath stuck in my throat. There isn't anything I can do anyway - I am as powerless as anyone right now. If there's anyone left inside there is no way any of us can help them. The fires are so strong that you can actually hear them, and when half of Alpha Station falls down into itself, the dark smoke that rises is enough to make one choke. Luckily, the winds blow it the opposite way. 

The sight of Rand and Sean is what wakes me up.

''Sean!''

Rand is carrying one of our sick with ease, but Sean struggles with the girl in his arms, and I realize that it's because he's wounded enough to make him double over and fall, and the only reason he hasn't yet is because he has someone else depending on him. I run as fast as I can, and it isn't before I get my hands on her that I realize it's Jessi, unconscious. As soon as I get her into my arms Sean's legs give in and he falls down on one knee, his other one giving in also.

''Come on, we need to get further away from the flames,'' I urge, snaking one of Sean's arms over my shoulders and propping him up as much as I can, but I can barely drag him, and though Jessi's limp body isn't particularly heavy in my arms, it certainly isn't helping. It takes us a while to get to the clear of the outer edges of the camp where I let Sean fall on the grass. Jessi I put down carefully, trying not to panic.

''Jessi,'' I shake her gently, ''Jessi, wake up.''

No response.

I check her pulse only to find it unsteady but strong enough - it would have been even slower if she were merely asleep. Relief courses through my entire body. When I check her breathing, it's labored and slow but picking up with each new breath now that we're away from the worst of the smoke. It was the lack of oxygen that had simply made her black out. I give her mouth-to-mouth anyway, just to give her lungs a bit of a nudge, and after a few tries she starts coughing, almost violently, pushing out all the toxicity. 

Seeing her fully alive makes me sit back on the grass in relief, but I realize that my limbs have given in and I'm shaking. The adrenaline is rushing out of me.

''Here,'' I pull out a water bottle from my pack the moment she wakes up, confused and scared, ''It'll help.''

After a moment of complete panic, she seems to recall everything and collect herself. She takes a timid sip of water, her small hands shaking. Her entire face is covered by black soot. I spill some of the water on my hand and wet her forehead and the back of her neck. ''You're alright,'' I say, but I'm not sure if it's for her or for me to hear. She nods, then reminds me:

''Sean.''

I turn around. He's clinging onto his last bits of consciousness, his eyes fighting not to fall shut and failing.

''Hey! Stay with me!'' I urge him, grabbing him by the shoulders, trying not to shake him too hard, but when I see the extent of his injury, I almost panic - I want to run, for someone, for anyone. Even if the best of our medical team wasn't away looking for the Nightblood solution, by the time I actually found help for Sean, it might be too late. His leg is practically open, the wound gaping so wide I can see everything I don't want to see. He's lost way too much blood already; and in fact, seeing the depth and the length of the wound across his thigh I have no idea how he even managed to drag himself out, let alone carry someone else.

I take my jacket, then my shirt off, not even feeling the cold in my sports bra. The heat of the fires is still everywhere on my skin. With the last bits of strength I seem to have after the past couple of days, I tear my shirt apart, making sure to make the longest possible strip of cloth I can from it. Somehow I will my hands to stay steady enough for me to literally pull Sean's leg together. When I do, he growls in so much pain that it takes me everything not to cry. God, I hope the pain doesn't make him black out; better it keeps him awake in agony. I'm too afraid of him falling asleep with all this blood that he's lost.

''Jessi, you feel better?'' I ask, my voice too panicky for my liking, getting to tying what was once my shirt around Sean's leg. She doesn't respond, so I turn around.

''Jessi!''

''Uh,'' she swallows, looking at Sean's leg then up at me, darting this way and that, eyes wide, face pale, hands shaking. She's terrified. I'm doing all I can to keep the cloth as tight as possible and to put as much pressure on Sean's wound as I can, but that is all I can do, and it's not enough.

''Jessi, look at me. Look at me.'' She looks up into my eyes again. ''You're feeling better now, aren't you?''

''Y-Yeah,'' she nods, ''I'm okay.''

''I'm going to need your help now, Jess. Think you can help me?''

''Y-Yeah,'' she nods.

''I need you to go find Clarke. If you can't find her, ask others,'' I instruct, ''Sean's not well, Jess, and I can't help, only Clarke can. I need you to get her here. Can you do that?''

She nods, standing up shakily on her thin little legs, but with such new confidence in her face, her small fists, that my heart aches.

''Stay away from the fires, and be fast. Go!!!''

She runs.

I don't know how long I stay like that, keeping pressure, the blood on my hands now almost up to my elbows. I don't know when Sean finally blacked out. I don't know when it started raining, and I don't know when Clarke came with help and took over. I don't know when Bellamy came to drape a jacket over my shoulders. 

The next thing I know is I'm sitting below the eaves of the roof, out of the rains but completely drenched, still in Bellamy's jacket, shaking, staring at my bloody hands.

*

Half of our living quarters are gone. Luckily, Bellamy's are intact, which is where I've been sleeping anyway. I haven't left anything of value in my old room, which I'm grateful for. Not that any of it matters.

Sectors 3, 4, and 5 got the worst of it, and by that I mean they're all but impossible to recover. We lost the server room, every single processor, and the whole life support system. The back-up power will keep the rooms that have survived lit at night, but we don't have any heat or running water. 

When I manage to wash the blood and dirt off of me and get every blanket Bellamy and I have, I don't care about any of it. None of it matters, since we're all going to die now anyway. I just want to sleep.

I don't sleep deeply until Bellamy joins me in bed; I'm restless and my thoughts keep bothering me and my bouts of sleep are troubled and interrupted. When he comes to bed I always feel more safe, like I can fool myself that the world is okay again. 

When I turn around to face him now, all I find is despair. I kiss him but that makes him let go of the last of his mask, and every semblance of false strength evaporates out of him. He is so tired and scared that all I can do is hug him and keep him close to my chest and not let go. He doesn't say anything and neither do I, but there is no need. Tiredness finally takes us both, and when we wake up it looks like we've hardly moved all night.

Bellamy wakes up first, and his stirring shakes the sleepiness out of me. He kisses me good morning but doesn't linger, getting to dressing right away.

''I have to check on Octavia before we do anything,'' he says, zipping up his pants, ''When Raven called last night to lay out the hydrazine plan, I didn't tell her about what happened here. I don't know if anyone else has in the meantime, but I don't wanna be there when she flips.''

''Yeah, this ship was her baby,'' I say, ''She gave all of herself to it. And now it's rubble.''

''Which is why we need to focus on the Nightblood solution all the more,'' he gives me a hopeful smile, like I'll buy the fake enthusiasm. I know he's just trying to comfort me. I appreciate it so I smile back, hopefully more convincingly. It looks like he needs me more right now than I need him.

''Why would the Trishanakru do this, Bell?'' I finally ask what's been gnawing at me for the past couple of days, ''I don't get it.''

''I don't think they did,'' he replies, zipping up his jacket now, ''It's really just one person's actions by what I gathered from him last night. I don't think he's lying.''

''You interrogated him?''

''Twice,'' he shrugs, ''Ilian's just... I don't know, T; this war's made monsters of us all. He sees this whole thing as revenge for ALIE. It took his entire family away; this was just... his desperate attempt for revenge.''

I frown. The boy saved Octavia's life by bringing her here; did he really do it just to get into Arkadia? Looks like it.

''He says he didn't mean to destroy our home, only the thing that destroyed his,'' adds Bell, some new pain lacing through his voice, ''And I believe him. It's not like he understands what ALIE was.''

''I know.''

''By rights he shouldn't even be in this situation. He should be a kid. He must be younger than Octavia,'' he stops and swallows, zipping up the last of his jacket. I know it's Octavia's innocence that Bellamy truly mourns. After all this time, and forever.

I get up and out of the bed, walk right up to him, and wrap my arms around his neck without a word. For a moment, he doesn't move, soaking it in. Then his arms wrap around my waist, letting me melt into him. Safe and sound in a world of our own.

''Well, nothing to be done about it now,'' Bell says when we pull back, clearing his throat, ''I'll go check on Octavia. See you at the briefing,'' he gives me a small smile. I nod. Before he can leave the room, he stops at the door for a moment, only to turn around and say the only three words that have ever mattered.

''I love you.''

''I Iove you too,'' I say.

Another second, and he's gone.

*

I go to medical myself to check on Sean, O, and Jessi. Clarke had insisted that Jessi stay a couple of nights in med bay too, just in case. She seemed alright, but she's just a kid, and better to keep her monitored for some time than take any damn risks. Blessedly though, she was the only child caught in the thickest of the smokes. We were all very lucky.

When I get there, the med bay is packed. Fevers, coughing, bloody bandages and bad burns - everyone may have survived, but we are not without injured. If nothing else - as a single human body, we are crippled. If anything were to befall us now, we'd hardly stand a chance against it.

Erykah, one of the girls that have been in Abby's training for the past couple of months, is checking Jessi's body temperature when I get there. When she concludes that everything is perfectly fine, Jessi gives her an honest, wide smile, hearing that she's free to leave.

''You alright?'' I ask her anyway. I know she's physically healthy, but she's just a child. I don't know how she can ever be alright.

''Yeah,'' she nods, still smiling, ''How's Sean?''

''Recovering. Thanks to you,'' I smile back, ''You saved his life, you know.''

''No, you did! You and Clarke,'' she says.

''If you hadn't found Clarke on time, there would have been nothing we could do to help him,'' I insist, ''You did that. You saved his life. You're Sean's hero.''

She grins excitedly, ''Hero?''

''Yeap.''

''Well, that's awesome.''

''It is,'' I can't help my grin either, ''Now go. Anne is expecting you. She'll get you something to eat and tell you what to do. You kicked ass that night but there's still a lot to be done.''

Jessi gives me the cutest soldier's salute I've ever seen anyone give, and one of those funny ''Yes, ma'am'', before she's on her merry way.

Man, it's so easy to forget about the kids amidst all of this mess. They're going through so much that the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. Anne Glass is one of the few among us that have taken our children as their main point of focus. She's in charge of what's come to be called among the folks as the Kids Club now, taking care of the children as best as she can, especially the orphaned ones. She's even managed to keep up with some school lessons while we've been trying our hardest just to survive. When we shut down ALIE, this woman was the balm on all of these children's sore wounds, exactly what they needed. She gave them comfort and made them feel safe and normal again. 

I didn't know Anne Glass back on the Ark, and I've exchanged a handful of words with her here on Earth, but I have so much respect for that woman that I couldn't possibly put it in words. When she lost her children, instead of wallowing in grief and depression, she stepped up and helped the children she could still save. And if that's not strength I don't know what is.

Sean is just waking up when I get to him, pulling me away from my thoughts. 

''Hey there,'' he says groggily, his voice strained, eyes still almost closed, ''Heard you saved my life.''

''Just kept you together long enough,'' I tell him, ''That's twice I get your ass to safety.''

''I'm sure I've paid back in kind.''

''Oh, really?'' I laugh, ''And when, pray tell, did you save _me_ exactly?''

''Give me a day, I'll get back to you tomorrow with that,'' he grins, pulling himself up to sit, wincing in pain all the while.

''Careful,'' I warn him, ''Your injury is pretty delicate. If you so much as move the wrong way...''

''Oh, stop. Our ship is gone,'' he replies, ''Might as well not fret about my damn injury.''

He's right, unfortunately. I don't say anything to that.

''What happened in there anyway?'' I finally ask him instead.

''I don't know... I just know that I got to running as soon as I realized the place was burning,'' he says, ''But when the first of the explosions hit, it looked like everything was just... falling apart around me. At one point the roof above me literally caved in. Passageways all around just getting blocked. Like an old video game.''

''Freaking hell,'' I sigh. That had to be a whole another type of terrifying. He could have been trapped inside, with the knowledge he would slowly burn to death.

''The funny part is, I didn't even realize I was injured until I saw it. Like, I didn't even feel pain,'' Sean adds, ''But when I realized a huge chunk of metal had literally torn my leg apart... oh, boy.''

I scowl, like I can feel the pain. It must have been horrifying for everyone who was inside, but at the same time it can't even enter the top ten of the most traumatizing things they've experienced. Will it ever end?

''Adrenaline. It does that to you. You could carry around a bullet in your side for hours without even realizing until you drop dying to the ground,'' I explain. 

''Charming.''

''Anyway, rest. Rest _a lot_. You need it,'' I tell him, ''And don't even think about getting out of bed.''

He makes a face as though he's about to protest, but I cut him off.

''And for the love of everything, don't be a pain in the ass. If you have to stay a month, you stay a month. Don't bother the nurses,'' I chide him, ''It's gonna take a while for all that tissue to heal; I'm not sure you understand just how bad your leg is. You can't risk even the slightest bit of strain on it. If we gotta carry your ass then we'll carry your ass.''

''Aye, aye, captain,'' he salutes, giving in.

I mock-punch his arm. ''Gave us all a scare, you dumbass.''

Octavia looks to be in just about the best shape out of everyone here, but the wound in her abdomen is going to keep her monitored and in bed for a while yet. ''Hey,'' she only says when she sees me, her voice and her eyes empty of just about all emotion. She has a lot of shit to process.

I know, perfectly well. I more than know just how bad she has it, just how ugly the place she's in is, and I'm surprised she can even breathe. Ever since Lincoln, all she's done is try to make some usefulness of all of her darkness. To harness her demons. Can Bellamy see all this? Is he still blinded by the illusion of his little sister? How badly will it break his heart once the illusion is broken?

I just don't want her too far gone, and it's out of the most selfish of reasons. I just want my friend back. The girl that chased butterflies is long gone, but at least the girl that would have stood alone against the Mountain is still in there. I know she's in there; she has to be.

''How you feeling?'' I ask her, sitting down beside her.

''Like I just had a fist-fight with a mutated bear,'' she replies, ''Luckily, nothing I'm not used to.''

''Saved a lot of lives making it here and warning us that day,'' I tell her. She doesn't say anything to that, her eyes looking somewhere past me.

''I'm just glad you're alright, O,'' I admit, ''And I'm glad you're back.''

Again, nothing. Her vacant eyes still ignoring me, refusing to face whatever the hell I'm getting at. She's not ready. I just hope she will be soon.

''It's really good to see you,'' I finally say, clasping her hand for only a moment, but firmly. As I get up and walk away, I could swear I heard a faint ''You too'' before making it out that door, but I don't turn around to check. It's something.

And right now, it's everything.


	7. Chapter 7

In all but complete indoor darkness, we discuss our current situation. The meeting has gone on for a while now, but all it's basically been is Monty and Kane giving us a recap of everything we've lost, and Bellamy begging for any good news. Roan just listens, following closely. At times I wonder how much of our stuff he's able to understand. He's shown that he's a pretty intelligent guy, if nothing else. When he relays the situation outside our grounds though, that's when I start to get worried.

''So where does this leave us?'' Bell finally asks.

''Nowhere?'' I reply, ''We have our ruins to huddle in while we can, but we need to forget about this place soon enough.''

''And hope to some god that Abby manages to make us Nightbloods?''

''I suppose,'' I shrug, ''Apparently I'm the only one here that thinks we need a plan B, so.''

Everyone is all in with the Nightblood solution, sparing nothing for any other option to fall back on, and as much as what Abby's doing might be our best shot, I still think it's too dangerous not to consider something else along the way. Maybe it's just the way I am. I like my back-up.

''Well, the good thing in all of this is that no one died,'' Kane sighs.

''Yes, but we have a lot of injured,'' I remind, ''Make sure to keep that in mind concerning any further plans you make.''

''Forget any other plans, and forget about the Ark,'' Clarke says when she walks in, joining us, ''We need to focus our resources on the Nightblood solution.''

''And there we go,'' I mumble.

''Is the fuel loaded?'' she asks.

''It's in process, but Clarke,'' Bellamy warns, shaking his head, ''It isn't gonna be an easy ride.''

''What don't I know?'' she asks, now worried. Rightfully, I think.

''With the secret of Praimfaya out, I sent Echo and my army back to Polis to keep the peace,'' Roan explains from the beginning.

''That's good,'' Clarke nods, ''We need peace to distribute the cure.''

''More than half of them deserted on the way,'' adds Roan, ''With the end coming, they want to be home. I don't blame them.''

''Do you blame them for burning Trikru villages as they go?'' Bellamy asks. Instinctively, I squeeze his arm in warning.

''That's funny coming from you,'' retorts Roan.

''Enough,'' Kane interrupts what might ensue. Short silence. 

I decide to break it.

''So the woods are a war zone,'' I say, ''We're gonna drive a truckful of highly volatile explosive fuel through a war zone. I'm just making sure everyone's up to speed here.''

Clarke frowns, but Kane just looks plain guilty.

''After what happened with Ilian, I can spare a couple of guards to protect you,'' he shakes his head. Bellamy gives him a nod in understanding, but I just wonder how the hell we're going to survive this one.

''My security detail can protect us,'' offers Roan.

''Thank you,'' Kane bows his head a bit, ''That's very generous.''

''We are all in this together now,'' Roan says.

''Well, King Roan, you're right about that one,'' I say, putting my jacket back on, ''I'll go check on the hydrazine. We should be ready to go soon, so be prepared.''

''I'm gonna check on Octavia again before we go,'' says Bell, as he walks out right behind me.

''You and Clarke take the rover ahead, I'll drive the truck,'' I relay the plan as we walk down the hallway.

''You're a fighter, you should be the security,'' replies Bell.

''Yes, but I'm also the most careful driver we've got here,'' I shake my head, ''Roan and his best warriors will be security enough. Pray we don't need them.''

*

After loading up ten barrels of the last of our hydrazine, and Monty repeating for the millionth time what this means for us, we're ready to go. I have Jonas and Kepplen with me, the only two of our guards that could be spared, and Roan with a couple of his warriors in the back with the barrels. 

Bellamy and Clarke take the rover out first, Bellamy looking for all the world like he's just had his last ever conversation with Octavia and it sucked. I make a mental point to talk to him about it later, before taking a deep, slow breath and stepping on the pedal. Slowly, carefully, I turn the truck around and we follow the rover out of Arkadia.

I center and calm myself down. The pressure that's on me is enough to make me spontaneously combust, but at the same time I can't let it get to me if I'm going to stay properly focused on the road.

It's pretty level ground all until we reach the deepest forestry, and even then it's pretty steady for a few miles off. But after the first couple of hours of leisurely driving and a pretty relaxed atmosphere in the vehicle concerning the circumstances, the growth around us becomes thicker, darker, scarier. The first bump I have to slow down over is the welcome sign into the dangerous patch of forest, dangerous twice as much now that it's a war zone and a single tree root could kill us all. Silence has fallen upon all of us ever since that first thick treeline.

''You guys religious?'' I ask.

''I suppose?'' Jonas replies, seemingly a bit confused by the question.

''Well, I suggest you start praying.''

He doesn't reply to that. Then, after about a ten minutes long silent drive, the rover in front of us stops.

''Shit,'' I curse, but manage to stop our truck gently enough.

''Hang on, we got a situation,'' Bellamy's voice booms through the radio.

''What kind of situation?'' I ask, a part of me already praying.

''Looks like a Trikru checkpoint,'' he replies, ''Stay alert, show no weapons. Keep your passengers in line.''

''Copy,'' I swallow. If the Trikru ahead see the Azgeda I have in the back, we're probably all dead. I try to look ahead and see what Bellamy's seeing, but my eye can only catch a couple of them. I want to ask how many there are ahead, but I see that Clarke is already out the vehicle.

''Clarke?!??'' I ask instead, ''What the hell is she doing?!?''

''Being Clarke,'' Bell replies, annoyed, ''No one else gets out,'' he adds, following her out the vehicle himself.

''Fuck,'' I mutter, before punching the wheel, ''Fuck!''

''Calm down,'' Kepplen says, ''It won't be the first time they talk their way ahead.''

''We have all the hydrazine left in our known world and the king of Azgeda with us,'' I reply, ''Please don't talk.''

Kepplen shuts up. I'll think about being rude later. My fingers dance across the surface of the stirring wheel nervously, as I watch. I can see Bell and Clarke talk to a few of the people not hidden from view. There is nothing I see that should alarm me, and yet I'm on highest alert. Seconds stretch on as hours. I grab my rifle and put it across my lap.

Then I see Clarke and Bell run off to what seem to be one of the wounded Trikru, lying on the ground off the road, between the treeline.

''What the hell,'' I mutter, ''Something happened here.''

''The woods are a war zone,'' Jonas says, ''Remember?''

Azgeda. _Of course._ And if they so much as take a peek in the back of our truck...

Speak of the devil.

One of the Trikru approaches us slowly, almost casually. At first I think he's here to at least keep an eye on us, but then I realize it's just a kid as he stands right before me, and the boy cannot be a day older than twelve. And I feel relief for the split moment before he walks on past. Then, my heart goes into an arrest. The poor boy's probably just never seen a truck in his life and is curious, yet right now he could be the death of us. Instinctively, I almost jump out the vehicle.

''Natasha, n-,'' I hear Jonas somewhere behind me, but I've already slammed the door. The kid turns around suddenly because of the sound, and his eyes widen a bit at the sight of me, but I doubt he's scared.

''Never seen one of these?'' I ask, in Trigedasleng, trying to sound as friendly as possible to him. In that moment, I hear the command behind me to clear the road, and I spot Bellamy walking back to the rover. The kid doesn't reply to me, looking for all the world like he's scared of me still. He doesn't move either, and he's about just an inch away from seeing everything that we have in the back of the truck. I'm so nervous I feel like my heart's never beaten faster. 

I can hear one of the Trikru behind me insisting we give them a ride to Polis, and Bellamy trying to get rid of them. I'm sweating. The kid takes one more step ahead, and I cannot stop myself before I almost shout a ''No! Stop!'' Bellamy just about echoes me. The kid stammers back, even more scared of both of us now, and as I resort to my last choice and move to grab him, it's already too late. I know it even before I see the terrified look on the boy's face. 

For a moment, a standstill, as the whole universe stops for an eternity of its own. Then, the screams.

''Azgeda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''

The boy runs, spreading the alarm to echo through the woods.

''Go!'' Bellamy yells, ''Move!!!''

We get back into the vehicles as fast as we can, and I don't even see the arrows flying past us when I step on the pedal. I am driving way faster than I should be, but if we're going to die, the hydrazine will at least be faster and less painful. I catch some of the strings of curses from the guards with me, and an occasional warning to be careful, but everything is a haze until we're finally in the clear and we can slow down.

'' _Everything alright?_ '' Bell checks in.

''Peachy,'' I reply, trying to steady my breathing.

'' _Stay frosty_ ,'' Bell warns, his voice softer than it should be, '' _We're not safe yet._ ''

''Copy that.''

After a while, the woods become more gentle and the terrain less rough. I remember to breathe deeply as I relax for a bit. As disoriented as I am, I'm pretty sure there are no settlements in this area of the forests, so I think we've managed to avoid the war. The worst should be behind us. Then, I notice the wetness on my side.

''What-''

One of the arrows had grazed me, and in the rush of it all, I didn't even feel it. The cut's not deep enough to make me worry, but the blood has soaked my clothes.

''Shit.''

''Tasha, you're bleeding,'' Jonas announces, alarmed.

''Glad we're all just noticing this,'' I hiss, suddenly feeling the pain now that I'm aware of it.

''Patch it up, I'll drive.''

''No,'' I retort, ''I'm fine. We're getting there. I'm not gonna bleed out, Jonas, it's just a cut.''

''You're jeopardizing all of us.''

''Did it cut off my hands? I can drive-''

'' _Guys, it looks like we have another problem_ ,'' Bellamy interrupts us. I can see what he means when he stops the rover at the bank of the river ahead. ''Great,'' I grumble, stopping the truck and following them outside, keeping a hand on the wound on my arm.

''Ice melt,'' Roan announces as we all look on the water, ''I'll find us a place to cross.''

''Wait,'' Clarke stops him, ''Take the rover. You'll cover more ground and it'll be safer.''

''With him?'' Bell asks in disbelief.

''We have to get across the river,'' Clarke replies, ''The rest of us will stay here and guard the fuel.''

''I'm coming with them,'' I say.

''No, they need you more than we do,'' Bellamy replies, before his eyes widen and he realizes I'm hurt, striding towards me as though in a hurry to make sure I'm not dying, ''What happened?!?''

''I'm fine, Bell,'' I reply, not letting him see the cut, ''Clarke will patch me up. Please be careful.''

He looks like he wants to say something but then changes his mind. His face relaxes as though he gives in, before he says: ''We won't take long.''

''I still think I should go with you.''

''Three's a crowd,'' he tries to joke, then adds: ''You're the closest thing to a Trikru that we have now. They might need you badly, and we can manage one rover.''

I nod, understanding. He kisses my forehead for a sweet, long second, before he walks away, shouting an ''Eyes sharp!!''. He and Roan get in the rover and Clarke doesn't let me watch them drive away before she drags me to the truck to take care of my cut.

* 

The Trikru come not long after.

They attack so suddenly that none of us can catch the moment, let alone tell what's hit us. It all happens so fast that I cannot even tell who's falling injured or dead, but when the Trikru warrior I'm trying to fight off just about buries his claws into my freshly patched up wound and I nearly faint from the pain, I know I've lost. Next thing I know is I'm somehow driving off our truck with Trikru blades below mine and Clarke's throats, everyone else unaccounted for.

''You're killing yourselves by doing this too,'' I almost growl through my teeth, ''Why can't you realize that?!''

The blade comes a little closer to my throat, touching my skin in response. Its coldness gives me chills. ''Shut up and keep driving,'' the Trikru warrior growls in response. Clarke gives me a nervous look, afraid to move her head so much as an inch. I catch it, trying to look back with the calm that I don't have. I don't think they'd kill Clarke; I'm sure they know the Wanheda could be valuable to them. Me on the other hand... I'm just the driver.

So I drive. I drive, knowing in my heart that Bellamy and Roan are not too far behind us. They cannot be. They must have figured it all out by now and stepped on the pedal.

If not, we're all dead.

''She needs to slow down,'' Clarke says after a while.

''Shut up, Wanheda.''

''I know you don't understand what it means,'' she argues against the blade, ''But the fuel we're carrying in the back is so volatile that the smallest bump on the road would instantly kill us. Let her slow down.''

''She's right,'' I say, ''This truck will explode, we will all die, and you will never reach your destination.''

He lets me slow down. Good, we've just bought Bellamy some time. I never catch the Trikru warrior's name and as I drive I'm wondering if I'd like to know the name of the man I will kill by the end of the hour.

I don't let the underlying anger deter me. What needs to lead me now is clear senses, nothing else. To stay alert is to stay alive. And we just need to stay alive until Bellamy comes. 

Every second an eternity. Every covered mile a step closer to doomsday.

And then he comes. I can hear the rover before I can see it. My love, my light, and right now - my saving grace.


	8. Chapter 8

We lost one barrel.

I don't know exactly when, I don't know exactly how, but I will never forget the sight of that Trikru arrow lodged into where the fuel once was. 

I don't think we can go to space to make Nightblood now. I think that game is over.

''God damn it!!!!!'' I kick the empty barrel so hard that it actually flies off the ground and drops a few feet away from us, ''God fucking damn it!!! Shit!!!''

''What do we do now?'' Roan asks.

''We bring what we have,'' Clarke replies, ''It will have to do.''

''Raven said they need every last drop, Clarke,'' I reply, more angry than I should allow myself to be, ''Every last drop. We just lost an entire barrel!''

''It will have to do,'' Bellamy echoes her with the calm in his voice that I have no idea where he got from, ''We did our best,'' he adds softly, putting a hand on my arm. It reminds me that my other one is still bleeding.

''I don't wanna be the one to radio this to them,'' I sigh quietly, shaking my head, suddenly tired.

''I'll do it-''

''No, I'll do it,'' I tell him, ''I was the one driving, I was the one defending it, I was the one who failed,'' I swallow, ''I was the one who lost the barrel, so I will radio them.''

Bellamy looks like he wants to protest what I've just said, but only for a moment, before his face changes and he lets it go. He knows it's futile to argue with me, at least right now. And I've already stomped past him anyway.

''Murphy, Murphy to Tasha,'' I call, but for a while there's nothing but radio static, ''Murphy, come in.''

Nothing. For this one moment, I feel awful relief.

''Murphy, are you there?''

'' _Tasha!?_ '' his voice suddenly bursts through the radio, '' _Tasha, is that you?_ ''

''Yeah, it's me John.''

'' _There was something interrupting the signal for a moment but I got you now,_ '' he explains, '' _What news?_ ''

''Depends which ones you wanna hear first - the good or the bad.''

Short silence.

'' _Call me an optimist.''_

''Well, the good news is we're not that far away now, the fuel is coming,'' I swallow, ''The bad news is... we lost one barrel.''

Silence. This time, longer.

''John, did you copy?''

'' _Yeah, I copy_ ,'' he says, his voice unable to hide the fear even through the radio.

''Tell Raven I'm sorry,'' I manage to say although the words are choking me, ''We did everything we could.''

'' _Yeah_ ,'' he breathes, '' _We'll talk when you get here. Over._ ''

''Wait, John, I don't think I'm coming. I, uh- Arkadia needs me... more than you do.''

I swallow something back and breathe in deeply. Who knows when I'll see them again.

''Now, you take care of yourselves, okay? See you on the other side. Over.''

Short silence again, this one more painful than any other. '' _See you on the other side,_ '' I hear John say. For some reason, I feel like I want to cry but I wouldn't know how to. 

''Come,'' Bellamy approaches me, his hand gentle on my arm again, ''Clarke has to patch you up again before we leave.''

*

''Are you sure you don't wanna go with her? See Murphy and the rest?'' Bell asks me one more time, before he steps on the pedal of the rover.

''I told you I'm not leaving you anymore,'' I say, staring ahead at the emptiness of the woods, ''Besides, my fight is not over there.''

So he steps on the pedal.

I don't feel like driving anymore. Or talking, for that matter. I feel empty, and most of the trip back we spend in silence. 

I'm not even sure how I feel anymore, actually. Directionless? Desperate? Lost? Powerless? Like every cure for our condition escapes me as soon as I grab it, slipping right through my fingers. It's that feeling right after your last big hope fails you, when you'd dared to play it risky and grab onto it with such strength of spirit and belief that anything other than success shouldn't have been possible.

Bellamy asks me if I'm okay and tries to start a conversation from time to time, but I'm too tired. All I can muster up the strength to do is watch the weather get progressively worse and worse with every mile that we cover.

''We might get caught in a storm,'' is all I say.

Bellamy looks up to the sky for a moment, ''We'll be back before the worst of it.''

*

He was right, I suppose. The black rain doesn't start until we're inside Arkadia's gates. When I feel the first drop sting the skin between my jaw and neck, I don't even understand what's going on yet. Then another drop falls right on my cheekbone, and I find a little bit of blood on my fingertips once I wipe it. 

Then all hell breaks loose. People are screaming and running for cover, while Bellamy and Kane are yelling and trying to muster them, their poor attempts at crowd management barely succeeding. Only panic rules here now. Bellamy grabs a piece of plastic and puts it over me for cover, all but pushing me into the first wave of people. I'm running, but I'm not running without him, and he picks up behind me as soon as the rain picks up as well. Now the plastic is useless - everything is pain. My whole body is screaming.

''Fuuck!'' I hiss as I throw articles of clothing off of me, and I do it as soon as I'm inside, ''Fucking shit! Ahhh, fuck!''

Everything hurts. Bellamy is helping me wash the acid off while I spray water across his face and scalp, but it wouldn't be Bellamy if he didn't go back for more.

''Someone's outside!''

Kane runs back out with him, and all I can do is watch as they drag the poor boy inside, open sores now all over his body.

''We need to wash him,'' I say, urgently, ''Help me get his clothes off!''

I grab for my knife and rip the boy's shirt open - I can't even remember his name right now. Someone's come to my side to help, but the boy's screams of agony let me pay attention to little else.

''I need to find Octavia,'' I can hear Bellamy say.

''She's not here,'' Kane replies, ''She took off hours ago.''

''Where did she go?!'' I ask, splashing clean water across the poor boy's body. It seems to soothe some of his pain as we try to cover every inch of his skin.

''She didn't say,'' replies Kane, ''You know Octavia, she never does.''

''I gotta find her!'' Bellamy starts for the door before Kane grabs him.

''Bellamy, look! We don't know where she went. You just got back and the rover doesn't have enough power-''

''The rain will kill her!''

''No, it won't, Bellamy,'' I growl back, ''She is the last person on Earth this rain will so much as touch.''

''Tasha's right,'' Kane says, ''Octavia's a survivor, more than any one of us. She's smart. You gotta trust that she found shelter, okay?''

''Get him to medbay!'' I yell, not sure at whom, but in less than a few seconds Riley and one of the guards have lifted the boy off the ground and dragged him away.

*

My clothes have managed to keep most of the rain off my skin, so I realize I only have a couple of sores once I inspect my body. Bellamy seems much the same, but just to be sure, we help each other - I go through his hair one more time before he helps me untangle and unbraid mine. The stinging has subsided, so I go find some new clothes before I go looking for some help to give around here.

The medbay is full down to the very last inch of the place. There are people even on the floor, and our poor staff is already stretched too thin to be able to help everybody.

''We need Abby and Jackson,'' I say desperately, looking around at all the pain, feeling more useless than ever.

''We need Deathstar and Bloodbloom, and we need a lot of it,'' Rand tells me, appearing from somewhere as soon as he's seen me, ''The mixture will alleviate the pain and cure the wounded flesh.''

''Well, we don't have either. We'll have to manage with what we have,'' I reply, rolling up my sleeves, ''How can I help?''

''By taking care of yourself. You're wounded and exhausted,'' he replies, moving to a girl that seems to be shaking with a fever now. He puts a dripping wet cloth over her head.

''I'm fine,'' I reply, following him, ''The rain barely grazed us, and Clarke took care of my arm.''

''Still, you need to rest. You just got back,'' Rand insists, ''And I need to go and gather what we need.''

''You're not going out into that rain!''

''I'm the only one who knows what we're looking for.''

''Then you'll have to wait until the storm is gone.''

''It might be too late by then!''

''Then we'll just have to live with that!''

Silence. I don't think either of us remembers the last time we raised our voices at each other. But we both know why we're yelling. We're yelling because neither of us can stop the damn world from ending.

*

''Where do you think you're going?!?!''

''I am going,'' Bellamy says as he pulls on the last piece of the suit I wouldn't trust to cover our cabbages with, ''To help get our people back.''

One of our units has been stuck outside in the storm for a while now, and the black rain isn't letting up, and I don't know how long they can hold on. But what I do know is that Bellamy stands little to no chance in bringing them back, especially by himself. What I also know is that the guilt, once he fails, will cripple him yet again. And I cannot protect him from it. 

So I have to let him go.

''Bell-''

''I know what you're gonna say,'' he interrupts me, ''I'm still going.''

''I know,'' I breathe, ''I know I can't stop you, too.''

''And you're not coming with me either so don't get any funny ideas into your head.''

''Unfortunately,'' I reply, ''I'm needed here more.''

He stops zipping himself up, takes a moment, and looks at me. I must be a pathetic sight, standing before him all worn out and sweaty and tired and dirty and blood-stained. He takes two steps toward me, puts his hands on my cheeks, and kisses me. Gently, like he's afraid I'll break if he presses too hard.

''I'll be careful,'' he says, almost whispers when we pull apart.

''Liar,'' I say.

''Not this time,'' he argues, looking me in the eyes, his hands still cupping my face, ''I'll be careful.''

''You're brave and reckless and stupid, Bellamy. You have a heart the size of a planet. You're not careful,'' I say, ''That's why I love you... unfortunately,'' I add jokingly, which makes him giggle and pull me into a hug.

''I love you too,'' he says after a moment, ''Which is exactly why I'll be careful,'' he pulls away, looks me in the eyes again, ''I'll come back, because I have something to come back to. I'm not losing us again.''

So, this time, I grab his face instead and kiss him, hard hard hard - so hard that the both of us might break.

*

Somehow, I manage to make myself turn off my radio for the night. I cannot help Bellamy from here, and if I listen in on what's happening, I will lose my mind completely. I can't handle it. Besides, I trust Bellamy. He'll come back safe. He wouldn't betray me.

I spend most of the night tending to the injured, trying not to think about him. I try not to think about Octavia, and I try not to think about Clarke, Raven, Murphy. I try not to think about anything except our people in agony.

I fail incessantly.

By the morning, Rand has punched a few dents in a wall. I count the dead.


	9. Chapter 9

Fifteen people perished on Arkadia's grounds that day, when death was raining down from the heavens, coming for us all. 

When Bellamy came back from his failed mission full of anger and guilt and sorrow, the fifteen became eighteen. He'd brought the bodies back himself, completely spent in every way a person can be. I'd expected it all, but still had no protocol for dealing with it. I couldn't be there for Bellamy because I couldn't exactly be myself. The death wave was coming ever closer, and here we were, burning the dead with no hope in sight - I was going through the motions as though in a dream. I wasn't really there at all.

The smoke from the burnt corpses seemed to me thicker than the fumes of a burning Arkadia, but that's impossible. Still, as I stood before the pyre and watched them burn, I thought I would suffocate. It took all I had in me not to retch, or just run away. So I focused on the names. The eighteen names kept running through my mind, repeating in a circle, like a prayer, because I knew they would soon be forgotten. And that seemed like the biggest injustice of all. When the end comes, and we're all eradicated, it will be like we never existed. Like we never fought. So it felt like the last thing I could do for them - remember their names until the radiation gets me too.

''Eighteen gone already,'' Riley had said, standing next to me. Maybe he was just talking to himself before the thought of mortality had prompted him to ask me the next question:

''That day, in the Mountain Pass,'' he'd said, ''Would you really have shot me?''

I looked at him, realizing that he'd asked me something a second too late. Then the question settled in, and the selfishness of it suddenly made me appalled.

''Would I have shot you? Without a second thought.''

The harshness made him swallow, but I don't think he was particularly surprised or that he even held it against me. It was like he'd expected it of me, like he understood.

Unlike Riley, Jasper has been eager to join the dead eighteen. Or at least, that's how he's been acting. Everything seems to be a joke to him, even the fact that we're still trying to survive. The other day, he tried to walk out of camp without any protection at all, so Bell and I had to follow him and drag his ass back. He claimed that he was ''trying to help us'', make us see that we're living on borrowed time, and wasting it instead of enjoying it.

''I thought that we were past this, Jasper,'' I'd told him then, in the middle of the dark forest, ''I thought that we've survived this.''

''You're not past anything, T,'' he'd said, ''You're just back to the old way of thinking. The wrong way of thinking.''

''Oh, yeah?'' I'd asked, ''And what's the right way?''

''You're dying, and you're dying quickly,'' he'd replied, ''You're wrong not to embrace it.''

It turned out the whole damn trip was about getting his re-fill of the jobe nuts that grow in the nearby forests. Oh, and breaking my heart. I guess the trip was about that too.

That night, when we got back, while Jasper was throwing a party in the hangar where everyone can await the end drugged and drunk out of their minds - I cried, _really_ cried, for the first time in who knows how long. But not before trying. We tried to drink. We tried to have fun for once. Bellamy might have even been managing it for a short while. Then I lashed out and punched Jasper in the jaw, before running off to our room to cry. The death wave was about ten days away, and I was bawling my eyes out.

Then, the next day, the good news came. Jaha had, it seemed, redeemed himself, and found ourselves a bunker.

*

''All ready?'' Bell asks me with a smile when I put my backpack in the back of the rover.

''Sure,'' I reply, ''It's kind of sad how my whole life can fit in one backpack though.''

''We'll build a life soon enough, from scratch,'' he smiles again, before he kisses my temple, snaking an arm around my waist for a half-hug in passing. I like the sentiment, but in this moment I don't believe a word he says. Right now I still don't believe there is a bunker - not until I see it with my own eyes. I'm in a sort of a stupor, really. But I return the smile.

''I'll go get Jessi,'' I say, before walking back for her.

I find Jessi in her room, hugging Jasper, the top of her little head reaching up to his waist. He looks horrible, as he would after two whole days on nothing but drugs and alcohol. His hand is on the back of her blonde head though, and right now, in this moment at least, he seems fully present. Like he wants to be completely sober in every sense of the word for this one moment.

''I'll miss you, Jasper,'' Jessi says.

''I'll miss you too, pumpkin,'' he says, and means it. I can tell by the way the vein on his temple seems to pop in all his efforts not to let sadness take over him. He's become rather good at that.

''Am I interrupting something?'' I ask, stepping inside, announcing my presence.

Jasper seems to shake himself back into reality at my interruption. Jessi pulls back and gives him one last smile. It's not a sad smile, but then again, Jessi and the other few kids are the only ones not sad around here. I don't think any of them understands what's coming, and I'm not sure how much Anne Glass has managed to prepare them for living in a whole in the ground.

''We were just saying goodbye,'' Jasper clears his throat a bit, before he gives his most casual smile, putting his hands back into his pockets.

''Why?'' I ask.

''Jasper's not coming with us,'' Jessi tells me, completely naive, ''He says he doesn't like to travel, the doofus.''

''Hey!'' Jasper mocks offence. She giggles.

''Jessi, can you go help Bellamy with our stuff?'' I say, not wanting her to be present for what I know is coming.

''But-''

''Please.''

''Okay,'' she sulks, walking out. As soon as she's out of sight, Jasper starts justifying himself.

''Now, I was going to tell you-,'' he puts up his hands as though in defense.

''How dare you?!?'' I all but yell, pushing him back. His butt hits a desk behind him.

''See, this is why-,'' he starts again.

''Who the hell do you think you are?!?!??''

''Tasha, calm down,'' he keeps his palms in the air, ''You punched me last time, I think it's reasonable for me not to wanna just drop the news on y-''

''Fuck you, Jasper!!!!!!!''

''There we go.''

I push him again, yelling. I'm not even sure what exactly I'm yelling right now, but I am, and I keep pushing him, again, and again, and again. He just lets me.

''Fight me, you asshole!!'' I all but scream, not realizing when exactly I'd started crying. I'm aware that I'm crying once Jasper starts looking at me with pity and heartbreak in his eyes. That's when I push even harder. I'm _furious_.

''Fight me!!!!!'' I scream, but now my vision is so blurred through my tears that I hardly even see his face.

''I won't fight you,'' he says, putting his hands back up. I slap them down. I grab his jacket, fully sobbing now, shaking him, then pushing him again, doing anything to provoke a reaction from him, but he just lets me, and the more he lets me, the angrier it makes me.

When I grab his jacket again, he grabs my wrists, and all the fight in me is gone. I break down.

''Why won't you fight me,'' I wheeze, crying so hard that I almost can't breathe - he has to pull me into a hug to calm me, ''Is there no fight in you left,'' I sob into his shoulder, barely understandable even to my own ears.

''That's what I've been trying to tell you all this time, T,'' he says, perfectly calmly, like it's okay, ''There isn't.''

Then I just cry. For what's probably a good while, I just cry into his shoulder until I'm spent. Until there's nothing but quiet hiccups.

When I pull back, he gives me a smile.

''Please don't punch me again,'' he says.

''How can you do this to us?'' I ask him, feeling almost too tired to speak, ''To me? To everyone who loves you?''

''Don't guilt trip me, T,'' Jasper shakes his head, ''You're better than that.''

''I'm not better than anything, Jasper. I'm human. I'm selfish. I want to live, and I want the ones I love to be around, safe,'' I reply, ''You're the one acting like he's reached enlightenment and is now above all of us!''

''Don't do this, T,'' he shakes his head again, ''Don't waste our time like this. Kiss me one more time, tell me you love me, and say goodbye. After all, that's what all of this has been about.''

But I can't. I can't move. I'm all choked up again, and I'm just too angry and too sad and too spent and too betrayed.

''You're not being fair,'' I try not to growl, ''How c-''

''I'll do it then,'' he interrupts me. He steps up to me and kisses my cheek, softly, but firmly. I'm breathless.

''I love you,'' he says. I cannot look him in the eyes. 

''I was one of the lucky ones,'' he adds, ''Monty, you, Bellamy... there is no one else in the world I would have rather spent my time with. Thank you.''

He cups my face one last time before he walks out the room, and in that moment I know I will never see him again.

*

I try not to let Bellamy know how much all of this has affected me. He's tried all he could, so did Jaha, but you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I put on a brave face, a face of someone barely deterred, even though I know my eyes are still swollen. I don't want Bellamy to feel the need to comfort me in any way when I know full well he is in a hell ten times worse not even knowing where Octavia is or if she's even still alive.

Bellamy had gone and said goodbye. I couldn't go with him and give everybody one last hug, not even Harper - to me the betrayal seemed too great. But what I can do right now is unload the rover. I'm leaving it behind. _Maybe, just maybe_ , I think. 

When Monty comes to give me a hand, I feel like the pain is a bit easier to bear, like it's a loaf of bread split in halves for the two of us. Eat of me, the pain tells us. Consume me before I consume you.

So we do.

*

Once I step out into the first light of the next day, the rain washing everything off of me, Jessi's hand in mine and everything I own in this world on my back - I don't think about the friends I leave behind. I think about Raven, and Murphy, and Nathan, and all the friends I'm yet to see again.

It's the only way I'll survive.


	10. Chapter 10

It's way past the middle of the night, and Polis is consumed by complete silence - the kind of dead silence that prickles your skin, makes you think you can almost touch it. There is no moon tonight. I've been trying to sleep, but after so much tossing and turning I've simply given up and resorted to sitting at the window, trying to get some fresher air. God knows we won't have much of that, if we ever get into that bunker.

At least seeing Jessi sleep so calmly, in such blissful ignorance, gives me some sort of temporary peace. She looks like the world is alright, and she almost makes you believe it. Almost. 

My thoughts are running rampant. 

The fact that we should be settling into that bunker by now, preparing for what's coming, is giving me anxiety, but the urgency of everything's not giving me space enough for a crisis. I always feel like I'm on the very edge, teetering on the brink of a breakdown. I haven't had any anxiety or panic attacks in quite a while, and it makes me wonder if that's good or bad. What if I'm bottling it all down and it's all gonna come out right back up ten times worse once all of this is over? 

... That's rich. To assume there will be an ''after''. Because here we are, instead of moving in - still at war. 

When Clarke had recounted everything that had happened in the meantime and relayed all the news to us, none of it really came as a shock. I wasn't surprised by anything - by the conflicts, the stubborn Azgeda-Trikru war, the terms, the conclave - none of it. I think I would have actually been surprised if we had come together peacefully and entered that bunker hand in hand. That would have been a shocker. This - this is simply terrifying.

Bellamy couldn't hide his fear in that one moment in which Clarke explained to us the final conclave. He couldn't hide just how much he was terrified and how much he didn't think we stood a chance. Clarke had been the one to try and encourage us, try and give us hope, even though she knew there was hardly any.

It's been two days since then, and we still don't have our fighter.

So I look out the window. Maybe, at least, I'll see a rover driving up the main street with the first lights of dawn.

I don't hold my breath for it.

*

''You have to be kidding me.''

''Bellamy, who else?!?''

He's pacing around the room, nervously. He doesn't like my idea - hell, I don't like my idea - but it's the only solution I could come up with.

''I don't know who else,'' he replies, hating every word that comes out of his mouth, hating everything about the situation we're in, ''But not _you_. We're not doing this!''

''Bellamy, maybe she's right,'' Clarke finally says, almost apologetically. She's been quiet all this while, listening, thinking. His head whips back, looking at Clarke almost like she's just slapped him.

''I mean, think about it,'' she continues before he can shut her down, ''Only a handful of our people have any significant close combat skill, and right now, you and Tasha are just about the best fighters we've got. You've trained with Lincoln, she's trained with Indra. At least it's something.''

''It's not enough,'' he argues.

''I know it's not, but it's the best we've got.''

Silence. After a while of desperation, I decide to break it.

''Bellamy, you're strong, but by the sound of this conclave deal, strength won't be what's gonna win this fight,'' I argue, ''Now I may not be a brute, and I may not be the best at wielding their axes and their shields, but I'm fast. I'm stealthy. With my bow, I might actually stand a chance.''

''What about Rand?'' he asks, ''Are we sure he's not eligible?''

''They won't accept him as Skaikru,'' Clarke replies, ''We've tried it all already.''

''I wouldn't let him anyway,'' I argue, ''He's saved my life way too many times. He's not dying for us, not after how we've been treating his people all this time.''

''I'll do it then,'' Bellamy says, hands on hips, shaking his head, determined.

''No.''

''Yes, I'll do it.''

''Bellamy, I'm the better option and you know it,'' I demand, ''I've already thought this through. I've trained with Indra's first unit. I've learned from Rand and Lincoln. From Octavia. Now unless she suddenly walks in through that door out of nowhere, I'm the only one that stands any real chance.''

I'm not sure if I'm lying to him or to myself, but I leave the room before another second of seeing his face weakens my resolve. Something my mom always used to tell me whenever I was feeling insecure about something rings through my head.

_Fake it 'til you make it, sweetheart._

*

Rand seems to have been unable to utter a single word for quite a long while, yet now they won't stop flowing out of him. 

The first half an hour was just me sitting in his quarters, waiting for him to start giving me the last bits of help he can. Instead, he only silently paced around the room and punched the wall next to the window looking out, way harder than he meant to, and now there's a weird dent in there. I might have to talk to him about the way he expresses his emotions one of these days.

Yet now, he won't shut up.

''Rand, I've got this,'' I try to calm him, again unsure who exactly I'm lying to, ''I can do this. We've survived worse, haven't we?''

''Worse? Worse, how?'' he argues, ''You won't be facing an army, Tasha. You won't be facing any dozen warriors. You need to understand that these are the twelve _chosen_ , the pride of their clans. The best our known world has seen. If you see one of their shadows, you're already dead.''

''Great... thanks.''

''This is not a joke, Natasha. You cannot underestimate a single one of them.''

''Trust me, Rand, I'm not,'' I'm getting a little pissy now, ''I am perfectly aware of my odds. I am also perfectly aware of how they may vary.''

The look of fear and sorrow on his face suddenly softens my heart. All anger evaporates out of me like it was never there.

''Look, I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses,'' I step up to my friend, putting a hand on his shoulder, ''The chances of my survival may be small, but you can be damn sure I will be doing my best to survive until the very end. Don't think I'm giving up.''

''I know you're not.''

''Which is why you need to help me. Help me understand,'' I insist, moving to the map of Polis on his table in the corner of the room, ''All of Polis is the arena. Which means I have the right to go wherever I want, hide wherever I need, and use whatever I find.''

_I'm so fucking scared._

''Correct,'' he replies, reluctantly joining me, ''Which can be both a good and a bad thing, depending on your strategy.''

''Well, let's make it a good thing.''

''I've already told you everything I've found out and everything I know of the current champions,'' he goes on, ''You already know that most of them are stronger, bigger and more skilled at close combat than you. Which means the only way you'll survive the first five minutes of the conclave is if you avoid the initial bloodshed.''

''Run?''

''Run. You're fast, and you're an archer. You don't need to come close to any of them in order to kill them. You just need to find a good spot.''

''And make sure I'm not tracked down and discovered in said spot,'' I argue with a sigh, ''Because If I'm gonna hole up somewhere, I'll be a sitting duck without anyone to watch my back. Easier to kill than a huddling rabbit. I'll need to move around.''

''If you're gonna move, move at night,'' Rand finally says, ''Wait out the sun. The shadows are your friend.''

*

My fear builds up so stubbornly that I'm almost ashamed of it. I can hardly be blamed for it, really, but a part of me wants to be the hero these people need right now so badly. I know I'm not the one. I never was a hero and never will be. The fear I'm feeling is so strong that I feel like I constantly have something thick stuck in my throat and I can't swallow. Yet adrenaline is the reason I'm holding it together.

Though I know I'm no hero, I can do this much for them. They deserve someone who stands a chance, no matter how small it is. Hell, I know I'm no champion either - I'm only just barely qualified to even be in this conclave. But right now, I'm the best hope my people have.

And a part of me still quietly hopes that things will somehow suddenly change and there won't even have to be a conclave anymore. I know that's a hopeless fantasy. Yet it's a fantasy of a girl that's about to die. It's understandable.

I don't really talk to anyone. The choosing of the champions is tomorrow and when Bellamy tries to talk to me I can hardly keep up any semblance of a conversation. The sight of him makes me sad, like I have to be saying goodbye to him. I avoid Jessi like the plague. Everyone else I don't even see. It's the only way I can hold myself together enough to walk out into the arena. I feel like once I step out there, into the thick of it, all the fear will lift itself off of me. There will no longer be any room for it, and it will be infinitely easier to fight than to wait for the fighting.

All night, I'm awake. Bellamy's exhaustion tricks him into falling asleep some time before dawn, but my eyes are almost sore from their inability to close. I stare at the ceiling, at the tiny flames of the candles hanging about. I catch myself praying for the first time since I was a child. I'm not sure to whom or to what I'm praying. I'm not even sure for what. For a miracle? For all of this to be a dream, and for me to wake up back on the Ark in John's favorite shirt and with both my parents in the room, smiling at me? For a savior to come and save, not just me, but all of us from this inevitable demise that awaits? I pray, I pray, I pray.

And at dawn, Octavia rides into town.


	11. Chapter 11

Octavia coming back out of nowhere was, before anything else, a pleasant surprise we didn't think we'd experience after our dark streak of events, and not because she would eventually fight for us. There's nothing quite like seeing an old friend again in a time of darkness, and just seeing her again, alive and well, brought me comfort in every sense of the word and in ways I couldn't quite explain. It had nothing to do with the upcoming conclave, and everything to do with what she was to me, to us.

Bellamy was beyond himself for a whole minute before his heart got broken again.

There really was no debating it with Octavia, truly. Though it was hard for me to let go now that I was finally mentally prepared to fight - and quite possibly die - we've all known this whole time that Octavia would've been our best choice as a representative champion, and our best chance of survival. 

The heartbreaking thing is, I know that our survival was hardly Octavia's true motive. And truthfully, what really lies below worries me, maybe irrationally. I know, deep in my soul, that she fights because she truly believes it's her only purpose on this wretched Earth. She fights because she thinks it's the only thing she knows how to do, and that there's nothing else for her out there. This won't cross Bellamy's mind, or Clarke's. But I know. I know, like I know myself. I know because, more than anything, I think I was there once, in that dark place. And I have no idea how to save her from it, how to help her - no matter how much I may want to. 

''This is what I was born to do, T,'' she'd told me that morning, shrugging, almost chuckling at her own silly ignorance, ''I've finally figured it out. No use in fighting it. You can't fight it, really. Run from your destiny and it will come running after you.''

I didn't say anything to that. I was left mute and hopeless, in all honesty. I just left, and really - what could I have said to her? I am tired of my friends being eager to die.

At least she would have died fighting for something that matters, a warrior's death. It's a better death than most of us are allowed; almost a privilege. And wasn't I willing to do the same? Do our motives matter? Does the way we die matter if we're going to die anyway? Does it make a difference if I died with a sword in my hand, or just died? And Praimfaya isn't losing any time either.

The fact that I'm even debating this is fucked-up. The fact that I'll have to watch my friend fight to the death in the arena is fucked-up. The fact that it will decide all our fates is fucked-up. When does it end? When do we wake up from this fucked-up nightmare? It's not a question I like asking myself, because I'm never ready for the response the voice in my head gives me. 

So I've been standing by Bellamy, yet all it's done is make me feel like a blundering fool that doesn't quite know what to do with her hands. He'd barely started to make some sort of peace with me going into that arena, only to find out that it will be his baby sister fighting to the death after all. How does any of us know how to act in a situation like this? How could he ever deal?

None of us could ever deal with any of this bullshit, so I guess we just let go. We surrender to it, each time, and let it carry us - just the way we did when we stood in the audience and watched as Gaia presented the champions one by one. She'd announced the rules for all to hear. She handed each amulet. She commanded the silence of the audience that seemed to me a living thing, with a mind of its own and a couple of claws around my throat. Bellamy's hand never let go of mine. 

Most of the champions proved to be the same warriors Rand and I had expected. A couple of ''last minute'' changes for sure - I was surprised to see Illian there - but most of them I've already studied to my utmost extent. And out of all of them, Roan is the one that's always made me truly terrified. I hoped Octavia didn't share my fear. I still hope it. It might mean everything.

And then Luna had walked in. Luna, the last of her clan, the lone survivor. Luna, vowing that - when she wins - no one will be saved. Everybody will die, as we surely deserve.

The madness and pure hatred in her eyes electrified me. A freezing chill went down my entire spine, making every single hair on my body stand upright, and I squeezed Bellamy's hand instinctively. There is nothing quite like seeing a face you know with a person you've never met behind it. Yet it's not what terrified me the most. What truly terrified me was wondering if she's right.

*

''Skaikru!'' Gaia calls from halfway across the yard before she even approaches us, ''Two advisers to the _worgeda_. The rest of you, report to your designated safe zone. Now.''

Clarke, Bellamy and I have been trying to figure out how best to help Octavia at this point, but all Kane and Jaha have been doing is arguing. I don't know about anyone else, but I can almost physically feel the time trickling through my fingers, like water.

''Come on,'' Kane says, ''We have to get her ready.''

''This conversation isn't over,'' argues Jaha, ''The death wave will be here within three days, and here we are, risking the fate of our people on a blood sport?''

''The fate of all people,'' responds Clarke, ''You heard Luna.''

''She's just one of thirteen,'' Kane says calmly, almost shrugging.

''Excuse me, but were we all watching the same initiation?'' I ask, almost appalled, ''And even if she _didn't_ mean any of it, even if she _wasn't_ a complete nutjob - she'd still be the biggest threat.''

''Tasha's right,'' Clarke insists, worry etched across her face, ''Luna is a nightblood novitiate, which means she trained in combat exactly like this.''

''You want us to cheat?'' Bellamy asks, barely daring to whisper. Clarke just shrugs, exasperated, confused, unsure of what the hell we're supposed to do. Just like the rest of us, except - unlike Clarke - the rest of us aren't expected to always have the answers.

''You know the rules,'' Kane warns, ''If we break them, we lose, and if we lose, we die.''

''The rules are not the problem, Marcus,'' Jaha argues again, ''The game is! Even if we stop Luna, even if Octavia finds a way to win, does anyone truly believe that the Grounders will accept Skaikru as the lone survivors?''

''Yes!'' Kane and I respond at the same time.

''The conclave is sacred,'' I explain, ''They will honor it, and if there are those who won't, they will be disowned by their clan and meet death with shame. To Grounders, that's a fate worse than the end of the world. Honor comes first.''

''Like it or not, we're all Grounders now,'' Kane says, turning to Clarke, ''You get our people to the safe zone. We'll have Octavia ready for the fight. The rest is up to her.''

''I should go,'' I grab Kane's elbow before he can leave, ''Me and Rand have already collected intel on most of the fighters. I've tried to talk to her before, but she wouldn't listen. She'll listen now.''

''Good,'' he nods, ''Then I'll be in the bunker, helping Abby get it ready. You know where to find me.''

Jaha leaves right behind his footsteps.

''Bell?'' I call.

''Clarke should go with you,'' he responds, his feet unmoving, ''I wouldn't know what to say to her.''

''I have to help my mom too,'' Clarke replies, ''The bunker needs to be ready for whoever wins. Besides, you're her brother. You not being there is worse than saying the wrong thing.''

Bellamy takes a moment, sighs, tries to hide the defeat in his slouched shoulders, before he gets his feet to drag after him. I do the only thing I know how and take his hand, almost leading him ahead.

*

''The Blue Cliff warrior, she has two corvo blades; I just saw her practicing.''

Octavia nervously nods, and I can see some sweat trickling down her face, smudging her war-paint. I've never seen her like this. I've never seen her nervous, and it's in turn making me so nervous I want to die. I do my best to hide it, because the worst thing it can do is spread like a disease. The the battle's lost before it's even started.

''She's left-handed,'' I add, all but spelling it out, ''You go for the weak hand.''

''Okay,'' she nods, swallowing, shifting her weight, her feet almost dancing. She looks like there might be sand in her throat right about now. For a small split of a moment, I see the girl that first stepped out of our Drop-Ship. For the first time in forever, when I look at Octavia, all I see is... just a girl.

And it makes my heart break.

''Plains rider and the warrior from Shallow Valley, they're strong, but they're slow,'' I urge on, ''You can avoid them - not to mention the black rain, which could fall at any moment - so you stay close to cover.''

''What, Bellamy?'' Octavia bursts, interrupting me, unable to withstand his silence - and frankly so am I, ''If you've got something to say, just say it!''

''You don't need any of this,'' he says, with a hint of fake confidence in his voice that only I seem to be able to detect, ''When the starting horn blows, just stay out of sight and let the others thin out the competition.''

''You want me to hide?!''

''You don't need to go up against the strongest warrior from every clan!'' he argues, now letting his worry show freely.

''I came here to fight,'' growls Octavia.

''You were the girl under the floor.'' Bellamy begs, ''Use that, just like mom taught us.''

''Bell's right, O,'' I urge, shaking my head, ''You don't have to kill all twelve warriors.''

Octavia swallows something back, and I know in that moment that - whatever it is - it will never come back to haunt her again. 

She pauses, she realizes.

''I just have to kill the last one,'' she says.

And it's like every star in the sky lights up like a sea of lightbulbs. A new hope carries on the wind.

She just has to kill the last one.

*

The ambassadors and advisers, me and Bell among them, have been escorted to the tower. I think I might have run all the way up to here, because if I'd stayed facing Octavia just a moment longer I'm positive my steely resolve would have broken and all my fear would have spilled over. No one needs that, least of all Octavia. So I just hugged her and all but ran away.

We've been waiting for the conclave to start for surely no longer than ten minutes, but it feels like an eternity of its own, an eternity in which I might suffocate. I can't imagine how Bellamy must feel, but as always, his facade is doing its best to show determination and strength. All I can do is mimic him, though my heart seems to beat faster and tighter with every second that passes. 

Then I hear the drums. All else goes out of hearing - nothing exists but the deafening drums that somehow seem to be in tune with my arrhythmic heartbeat. For the first time, the smoke reaches my nostrils. The Fire is lit, and the tower must look like a beacon from miles away now. Not a beacon of hope. A beacon no one will come running to.

''It's starting,'' Bellamy announces, his voice cracking a little bit. I've barely noticed it. He swallows. I run to the window right as the horns start blaring.

I can see her now, standing in her designated corner. In just a few seconds, every person standing in that circle will be at each other's throat, struggling to spill blood, yet she looks so small, smaller than any of them - smaller than I've ever seen a person look. For the second time today, all I see is a girl. In another universe, somewhere, she's allowed to be that girl.

I'm terrified, and I think my heart will fail me, so I squeeze Bellamy's hand again. This time, he doesn't have it in him to squeeze back.

But then the horns stop blaring. The world itself stops, Earth no longer rotating around its axis, or so it seems. There is no sound, no air, nothing but the blinding light of the sun and this moment stretching across the universe. 

Then the moment passes and everything happens at once. Octavia runs - runs like a cheetah - and my fear is lifted. It's still there, but it's not pressing as hard, and I can breathe. My lungs stretch and my eyes water - from the sun or from our pain, I do not know. Yet I savor it. I savor every sensation that proves we're still alive.

I watch Octavia run, and when I look at her now, I don't see a girl anymore. Because, she's not just a girl, and she hasn't been one for a very long time. Maybe she's never been one. This is not a girl - this is a storm. I am watching a storm with human skin and I know - deep in my heart, with absolute certainty, right here and now - that I wouldn't have placed my life in anyone else's hands.

If anyone will save the human race, it's Octavia Blake.


	12. Chapter 12

I don't know if it's better or worse that we don't really get to watch the fight. Bellamy has a small monocular, but most of the time the fighters are way beyond our sight, and Gaia's the only one closely following every move. Every time she comes back into the throne room to announce another death, it's a struggle to stay breathing. Bellamy repeats a prayer of ''Please don't be her'', and I'm constantly on the verge of tears because a poisonous part of me is almost certain that eventually it _will_ be her, and it's just a waiting game. All I want is to wake up from this nightmare.

When Trikru falls, it's the first time I see Indra almost cry. Gaia doesn't even try to refrain from it and keep up appearances as she clings to her mother. I feel for them, the way I feel for us, and in this exact moment the apsurdity of this whole thing seems to weigh me down to the ground. What are we doing? Does no one else see how ridiculous this all is?

I knew Fio. I didn't known him too well, but I did know him as honorable and a great warrior. Hell, I can almost still feel his punches from the training ring. He was strong and fearless and loyal to the bone, and he was destined to die for his clan. Now he has.

By the time night falls, and Octavia still doesn't, it gives us a bit of hope. Bellamy's spirit seems to lift itself, and now he even seems a bit assured, almost confident. In turn, it gives _me_ some confidence, yet all I can think about is how cold and wet it is out there. Even if Octavia's hiding somewhere safe while the battle wages on, she must be shivering in her very bones, not to mention the hunger and thirst and tiredness that's bound to seep in if the conclave drags on. That alone could lower her chances of winning unimaginably, not to mention any injury that might be left unattended.

I can't get a wink of sleep all night, even though Bellamy encourages me, but at least I try and lie down a bit inside when dawn starts drawing near. Bellamy stays on the balcony, trying to see even what he can't.

When I try to close my eyes for a bit, the sun seems to come out all at once, or at least that's how bright the morning looks. No news after the few fallen warriors, and some of the advisers and ambassadors that still remain seem to be even asleep around me. I imagine none of their champions are like family to them, even if it is all determining their fate as peoples. 

I think Octavia's death would hit me harder than a deathwave. The deathwave is almost comforting, like a simple ending to our collective story. We get to go out together, all of us, hand in hand. Nothing remains after, no one to mourn.

I think that's why a part of me is almost expecting Octavia to fall: maybe my mind knows how hard it would crush me and is simply trying to prepare me for it.

With the first strong rays of the new day's sun, in bursts Bellamy, ripping me away from my thoughts and bringing me back to reality. With three quick strides, it seems, he comes to my cot in the corner of the room. When he crouches down to face me and I get to read his face, for a split second there I think that's it - Octavia's dead.

But that's not possible. Gaia would be announcing it and extinguishing her beacon. Octavia's beacon is still burning.

''What happened?!'' I demand, afraid that my heart might actually fail me.

Then Gaia comes in. I hold my breath.

''Sangedakru is no more,'' she says, and kills their fire. I hear someone in the room sob, yet all I can do is feel relief. I exhale it all, and feel ten pounds lighter. ''Thank god,'' I breathe. But something is wrong, still. I know Bellamy. I don't dare tear my eyes off him.

''What is it, Bell?'' I demand again, panic coming back.

''Blue Cliff warrior just killed him with a bow,'' he whispers to me with worry, ''I just saw it.''

''So?''

''So we saw her before the fight,'' he replies, ''She didn't have a bow, she had two swords.''

''Yeah, the corvo blades,'' I nod, but that does nothing to the worry on his face, ''She could have picked up a bow on the battlefield, Bell,'' I add.

He shakes his head. The crease on his forehead only deepens, and he has that look on his face that he usually has when his thoughts race millions of miles per hour. He stops, then shakes his head again, before he stands up and decides to walk back out onto the balcony. I grab his hand to stop him for a second and tell him that he's only driving himself crazy this way, but before I can even open my mouth, he looks around the room for the first time and his face turns into such a horrified expression that all words escape me.

''What?'' I manage to ask, now worried incomparably more, ''Bell!''

''Echo's gone,'' he only growls. Then he storms out of the room.

*

I'm stupefied. Every possible scenario feeding my paranoia mixed with fear mixed with panic mixed with my guilt because of the fact that I didn't even notice when Echo slipped out of the room - glues my feet to the ground. Then, after a horrible eternity, I will myself to run.

I catch Bellamy a whole floor down, stomping down the hallway.

''Bellamy!'' I call. ''Bellamy, wait! Wait!''

When I catch up and manage to grab his elbow, he barely stops.

''My sister is down there,'' he almost cries, ''Echo is cheating, and I'm gonna stop her.''

''You don't even know it's her!''

''Then where is she?''

''Maybe she went to the safe zone,'' I offer, ''Staying here is not mandatory.''

''Does that sound like Echo to you?'' 

''No, but it's still not enough to follow up on, Bell,'' I whine, ''And what if it's really the Blue Cliff warrior and you're just paranoid about that bow - a bow which she very well might have found somewhere?''

''You don't really believe that,'' he replies, ''We both know who it is, and we're wasting time. What does your gut tell you, Tasha?''

I swallow - my fear, my delusion, my reservations, my pride.

''Echo,'' I say.

He resumes walking.

''If it really is Echo, one of Gaia's scouts will find her,'' I catch up with him again, ''They're overlooking the arena, patrolling just about every inch. Ice Nation will be punished if they're caught breaking the rules.''

''They'll never catch her,'' Bellamy argues, never stopping, ''Echo's a spy; this is what she does.''

This time I truly grab him so hard I almost make him fall over. He doesn't move this time.

''Now you listen to me, Bellamy Blake,'' I hiss, my nails clawing into his biceps, ''You get caught on that battlefield, we all pay the price. They'll execute Octavia, and all of our people will be left to die.''

''If I am right, then Azgeda has two people in this fight, and we die anyway,'' he says, ''And you think I should just stay here and do nothing?'' 

He's right. Damn it, I know he is - I just don't want him taking those risks that deep in my soul I also know he must take. Each one of us is assigned at least one duty per lifetime, and this is his. Though I've cared about so many people in my years, I wouldn't pretend to know what it's like to be a sibling.

''No,'' I reply, defeated, and try my best to sound strong, to withhold the sigh of desperation, ''No. We wait until dark.''

*

I don't know how Bellamy expected me to stay quietly behind while he's down there hunting Echo. Every waking second is agony. And while I know this is something that he simply has to do, it would have been better for all of us if it was me out there. I'm a God damn archer, if nothing else.

Besides, Echo and I do have some score to settle. After all, I was the one stupid enough to bring her back to Mount Weather and let her poison us with her lies. 

After a few hours, only four warriors remain, and every warrior that falls seems to take from our very souls, wearing us all down. Now it's come down to Luna, Roan, Guara and Octavia. Up until now I've managed to beat every instinct in my body that's screamed at me to move and do something, but if Bellamy doesn't come back soon, I don't know what I might do. I've been pacing around then sitting down then pacing around again, then trying to watch from the balcony and seeing nothing in the dark, then moving back inside to pace some more. The quiet is the worst.

''Octavia is doing well,'' someone says, and it takes a moment for me to realize the person is talking to _me_ , and another to realize it's Indra. I'm taken aback for a second. ''Far better than any of us could have foreseen,'' she continues, ''You have no reason to abandon hope.''

She looks devastated. And hadn't she left, after her whole world ended? When did she come back and - more importantly - did she come back for Octavia, for us? 

I almost don't know what to say - or more precisely, how to say it. Me and Indra have never been too close, but she'd always been a friend to us, and she'd taught me so much of what I know. This whole time I haven't had the courage to approach her, to tell her anything, and now I realize that it's shame that's held me back - irrational shame that right now I cannot decipher where it's coming from.

''Indra,'' I almost breathe, yet when she looks away into the night as we stand on the balcony, it makes it easier for me to say the next thing, ''I'm sorry. About Trikru. I-''

... suddenly wonder what will happen to Rand. He is neither Trikru nor Skaikru now, yet I know that if it was up to Octavia - she'd never leave him out.

Indra doesn't reply to my chopped up condolences. So I press.

''As for Octavia, she's doing well largely thanks to you. You taught her to be a warrior,'' I tell her, ''And not just her.''

She turns back and looks me in the eye, and I could swear that I've never seen a pair of eyes so full of both grief and hope at the same time. They're glistening, yet she wouldn't cry. I know Indra that much.

''A warrior has many teachers, Natasha kom Skaikru,'' she says, ''War chief among them. If Octavia wins, we'll see what she has truly learned.''

*

The night drags on, and Bellamy still hasn't come back. I want to believe he's stuck hiding somewhere until he has clear and safe passage back, but it's hard to believe yourself when you're this afraid. And Guara has fallen. My worst nightmare is coming true, and Octavia is facing the two warriors I fear the most in this world. One of them I actually respect, too, though that makes no difference. 

And Bellamy's not back.

I wonder what's happened to Echo. I'm pretty sure she's been removed off the battlefield, because I haven't seen or heard of any arrows flying around, and I've been closely watching now. Did Bellamy kill her? If not, what did he do? I guess it doesn't quite matter now because whatever he's done has worked. I just want him to come back already. 

He couldn't have been caught. We'd surely know about that, alright. If he'd been caught, it would be announced for everyone to hear and Octavia would be executed. So Bellamy's definitely still out there. Which gives me a little bit of relief, yet not enough to calm me down at all.

When the black rain starts, I almost jump out of my own skin.

I don't know how long the rain lasts. All I know is that the only way I can survive it is to sit in my corner and pray, and try not to think about Luna's advantage. I suppose it's not really prayer what I'm doing, but it's the only way I know how to pray really. I think about Bellamy and Octavia and I imagine them safe and sound, both. _They've found shelter. They're okay. They're okay. They've found shelter. Bellamy's close somewhere, almost back now. They're okay. They're okay._

Then, after about an hour of heavy black rain, Roan's death is announced. 

It's just Octavia and Luna now. Luna, the fiercest warrior I've ever seen, fighting for all our deaths. My lungs want to collapse.

 _Even if we have to die, just let it be over already_ , I can't help thinking. _Just let it be over already._

The door opens, and in walks Echo, just as Gaia is ready to extinguish Azgeda's beacon. For a moment, all of my thoughts dissipate, and all the fear is forgotten, replaced by furious anger, and a little bit of disappointment because of the fact that she's still alive. I am nothing but wrath - I storm her.

Echo looks devastated - when I get up and grab her, she barely reacts. She doesn't really try to tear herself off.

''Where have you been, _traitor_?'' I hiss, I growl, my nails clawing so deep into her skin a normal person would have yelped by now. She doesn't reply, doesn't say anything. The Echo I've known would have cut my throat in a mili-second for just _daring_ to call her a traitor. Yet the complete lack of response only makes me angrier. She only looks at my with her eyes glistening, her skin pale as death itself. Then she finally pulls her arm off.

''Now, you listen to me,'' I hiss again through my teeth, though a bit more quietly, or at least trying my best not to make a scene as I grab her arm and pull her to the back - this time she looks like she might actually fight me, ''I should kill you right where you stand.''

''What makes you think you'd stand a chance,'' she growls.

''Don't flatter yourself, Echo,'' I scoff, ''You're half dead already. What, did skulking in the shadows like a weasel attacking people from their backs wear you down? How does it feel to lose _even_ though you've cheated?''

''Careful now,'' she growls again, more menacing now, grabbing the edge of my jacket in a full fist, ''You'll find that people who've got nothing to lose anymore are more dangerous than you'd like, Skygirl.''

''I'd like to see you try, bitch,'' I spit more loudly than I would have liked, ''You sure you could face me; or are you gonna shoot me from the back after all?''

This time she pulls me to herself. I can see her teeth for a second, and her nostrils flare. She's taller than me, and it's only now that I notice just how much as she towers over me. She's definitely physically stronger, but right now the wrath of all the gods is in me and - I swear on everything I love - I could kill her with my teeth only.

Somebody's hand is on my chest. Another one is on Echo's shoulder. Those hands are the only things that keep us from drawing blood, and they're successful.

''The conclave is still not finished,'' Indra warns us calmly, almost reprimands us, ''And it's still a sacred tradition that you will not sully today.''

Echo's grip on me loosens even though her eyes never leave mine. I pull back a bit. My breathing won't steady, but my anger pulls back enough to let this go for the moment. Indra lingers for a bit, before she's confident enough to leave us be and walk away.

''I'm happy they didn't catch you,'' I manage to tell Echo in passing, ''Roan didn't deserve to be executed and dishonored. He deserved a true warrior's death. And you deserve what's coming to you.''

I only have time enough to calm down a bit on my own and collect my thoughts and start to worry and go back to being terrified again, when Gaia's voice tears through the air and the tears the whole world apart.

''Another champion has fallen.''

*

At first I don't register it. The words have no meaning in my mind. The whole room must have frozen but I can't tell - I can't tell with certainty that I'm even awake.

''Luna kom Flokru,'' Gaia's voice says, but it's disconnected, disembodied, like it's coming from everywhere at the same time and yet I almost struggle to hear it, '' _Yu gonplei ste odon_.''

Luna kom Flokru. Yu gonplei ste odon. I know those words. I know what they mean. So why can't I believe them? Each of those words is perfectly clear but together they make no sense. Nothing makes any sense. Luna kom Flokru. Yu gonplei ste odon. Who are these people around me? Gaia extinguishes the Flokru beacon. Only one fire is still burning. Our fire. Can it be? Is that really us? Is this real? I'm almost afraid. Afraid to believe. It can't be. It can't be. One moment you're hopeful, the next they're trying to kill you. No. I put my hand on the knife at my belt. I'm ready. If I have to fight my way out of this room I'll be ready. This has to be a trick. It can't be real.

The door slams open. Everybody turns, and I seem to be the last one to do so, like my own body is too heavy for me. I turn, and I see her, and I think I'm dreaming. I see Octavia's face, I see her war-paint, her blood, her wounds. I see her eyes. I see her walk, and I see her hold the pendants. Yet I think I'm dreaming. I have to be dreaming.

Her footsteps seem tiny. Maybe because she's tired, but they barely make a sound - and yet it's the only sound that echoes through the room. It has to be real, then. I make myself move closer, not even registering whom I'm shuffling and pushing aside. I let go of the breath I've been holding when she stands closer. I see her, I hear her, and now I can smell her scent too. She's real. It's real.

Octavia throws the pendants before Gaia's feet, and even she's in disbelief. She's in disbelief of the words she's spoken, of the living, breathing Octavia that walks in, of the pendants that she's picked up even as she's holding them in her hands. 

''Octavia kom Skaikru... is victorious,'' she can barely utter, and when she does it almost sounds like a question.

Victorious.

''The crypt of the first commander belongs to her people,'' Gaia finally says, and makes it final.

It's real. It's done. It's real. We've won.

We'll live.

''No,'' Octavia says. My hearts skips a beat. Chatter spreads across the room, buzzing with electricity.

''Octavia-,'' I push forward more and finally manage to stand next to her. She turns around now, and looks at me for the first time. It is only now, up close, that I see how frail she is. Exhausted would be a petty word to use - her very spirit is wounded. For a split moment, she smiles faintly, and so briefly that it has me doubting that the smile was even there, yet - for some reason unknown to me - it gives me relief. Absolute relief that only comes with blind faith. Faith in her. She places a hand on my shoulder, and I see her eyes glistening as she gives me a firm squeeze. Then she steps up onto the dais. 

For a moment, absolute silence. Then she speaks.

''I wasn't fighting for Skaikru today,'' she announces and pauses only long enough for the whole room to express their shock, ''I thought I was fighting for myself... I now know that's not true either. I was fighting for us all.''

Whispers. They're whispers of hope that surround me, hope I'm not afraid to latch onto now. Blind faith.

''Skaikru will not take the bunker alone,'' she continues, ''We'll share it! Equally. Because we _are_ equal.''

Whispers turn into murmurs. My chest swells.

''We are one clan,'' Octavia says, with confidence and certainty that makes it a fact, ''And we _will_ survive Praimfaya. Together. _Ogeda_.''

The whole room cheers. They chant '' _Ogeda, ogeda, ogeda_...'' I realize tears have escaped me, and I don't care. I feel alive, and for the first time in a while I feel sure that we have something to keep fighting for. And I've never been prouder of anyone in my entire life, never so happy to be who I am. For the first time since we got down here, I'm proud to be a part of what we've all come to call Skaikru.

''She's learned something after all,'' Indra tells me. I look at her, look at the pride in her face. I wipe away a stray tear, and remember I have to go look for Bellamy now. The shock of everything has had me petrified, and I still cannot quite believe that this is all real. How can I even feel so many things at once? How can terror grip me in this moment even as I'm filled with joy and hope? Octavia almost collapses as she tries to step down, and Indra has to catch her. She can barely stand on her own - I won't mention Bellamy right now. I can't. I'll have to slip out. She's been through way too much. 

Besides, he's probably on his way here as I'm thinking, I rationalize. He's on his way back now that it's over. I'll just slip out and meet him.

''Lincoln would be so proud of you,'' Indra tells Octavia, still propping her up. I think about how right she is. O tears up, but hides it as she pulls back a bit to try and retrieve her balance.

''Lincoln would be more than proud,'' I make myself say, without my voice cracking, ''He... lived for this. You just created a world he died fighting for.''

Octavia looks up at me, and now there's no hiding it. The tears just stream down her face. I can't help it anymore, so I just hug her, tighter and stronger than I've ever hugged anyone before. ''Thank you,'' I mumble into her shoulder, ''Thank you.'' She hugs back, and I can feel her clutch at my jacket like she's needed this for way too long and is almost reluctant to let go.

But then, suddenly, she remembers. She pulls back.

''Where's my brother?''


	13. Chapter 13

Kane appears out of nowhere and all but drags us into a corner to hastily but quietly relay the terrifying news. We're already alarmed before he even starts speaking, but when he does, I have to grab Octavia's arm to stop her from running off recklessly into the night. She's weak anyway, and her anger has rarely brought anything good.

''Octavia, wait,'' I hiss, clutching at her wrist, ''We cannot raise the alarm. If everyone finds out that Skaikru had taken the bunker before we ever even won, everybody we know and love will be slaughtered. You know this.''

''Natasha is right,'' Indra says, ''If what Kane says is true, then you must settle this quietly,'' she pauses to take one deep breath, as though to fight her own anger, ''No clan will take this kindly. Skaikru has shown dishonor.''

''Whatever we do, we must do it fast,'' Kane urges, ''Before word spreads.''

We do our best to look inconspicuous and not run in blind panic, but even as we leave the throne room and rush down the Tower I feel as though every pair of eyes in Polis is on us, studying us with suspicion. When we get to the temple, Gaia orders the doors closed and guarded, and that everybody be kept out until further notice. I barely even pay attention to any of the bodies strewn about the room - the Temple Guard that my people have to have gotten rid of on the way to take over the bunker. 

''Fucking hell, Clarke,'' I breathe a curse, too panicked to even feel any anger. My mind is racing hundreds of miles per hour trying to think of something as Kane is banging on the bunker trap door hopelessly.

''Are they all dead?'' Gaia asks in desperation.

''No,'' Octavia crouches next to one of the guards, ''They used gas. Like the Mountain Men.''

Instead of relief, I feel sick - physically ill - as I try to shake the hives away. I want to vomit. This can't be. None of this can be happening right now. Have we become just like them? Who are we anymore?

No. Not them. Anything but them.

''O-''

''How could they do this?!?'' Kane screams as he lashes out at the trap door again. It won't budge.

''Skaikru have betrayed us all,'' Indra says. 

For some reason, hearing her say that sentence cuts a wound deep in my heart. Maybe it's because Indra is one of the few people I'd never want to be dishonored in front of. Maybe it's because she is one of the last to whom the word ''honor'' even means something anymore. Maybe because I'd still, despite all, like to believe that there are things worth more than survival - like honor, or a promise, a word given, or an oath. Maybe I'm afraid of living in a world where these things won't matter. Because this is where we choose what kind of world we're building. We will be what remains. And who are we? Not in what we fight for, but in what we stand for? Does it truly not matter?

''No, we'll fix this. Gaia, Kane, buy us some time. Please,'' I beg, before throwing Octavia a walkie, ''We'll try different frequencies. They'll hear us. They have to.''

I've said all of this with apparent confidence, yet fear's shaking me down to my toes. I don't want to let anyone - especially Indra - see that fear. Indra is a friend and an ally but if she doesn't believe that we can fix this she will re-join her people without a second thought and lead the assault that will end us all. I know her well enough to know that. And I respect her for it.

Thankfully, she gives us this chance. She's always believed in Octavia, so maybe she can believe just this one time - just once more is all we need. 

Indra only nods and lets us do what we think is best, and patrols the perimeter ever so often. Gaia checks on the guards intermittently and improvises further orders. Kane is helping her organize the clans. I don't know how much longer we'll be able to pull this charade off, but neither Octavia nor I have any sense of time passing as we switch frequencies one by one. The battery on my radio starts dying after a while, but I don't dare stop for a second.

''Please. Clarke, anyone,'' I call for the millionth time, ''Can anyone hear me?''

Nothing.

After some time I start losing common sense and start calling out to Bellamy specifically, as though that will somehow magically work better. The feeling of time passing then hits me all at once, and by the end of the hour I finally start losing hope.

''We have to start thinking of alternatives,'' Kane says when he comes back to check on our progress, running his hand through his hair nervously, ''This is clearly not working and I don't know for how much longer I can stall.''

''This _has_ to work,'' I insist, ''They _have_ to hear us.''

''But they _don't_ , Tasha!'' he lashes out, on me this time, ''They don't hear us! We have to start accepting the situation and start preparing-''

''Kane, we already have an alternative,'' I explain, my voice dangerously calm, ''Trust me when I tell you that I can open that trap door in under an hour's time. Polis is full of the right craftable explosives. Do you honestly think we can afford that?''

''It might be our only option.''

''As soon as we bust that door open, everyone will find out about the treason, and they will storm the place and kill as many of us as they can-''

''We don't know that-''

''And what's worse,'' I don't let him interrupt me, ''We will have damaged the bunker, and quite possibly signed everyone's death sentence.''

In that moment, I hear the familiar sound of my radio battery dying. Something about that sound, so familiar yet so haunting, makes my heart heavy, like it's trying to weigh me down to my feet.

''Fuck,'' I whisper, but in reality I wish I could cry. Kane leaves. Octavia doesn't stop.

''Can anyone hear me? Over,'' she pushes on incessantly, over and over again, ''This is Octavia. Can anyone hear me, damn it?!?''

And then, against all odds, against all expectations, against all lost hopes - someone replies.

 _''O, it's me,''_ I hear the sweetest sound of Bellamy's voice coming through, _''You okay?''_

My heart jumps instantly. Octavia almost drops her walkie. Even Indra rushes back to the center of the room.

''I'm alive,'' Octavia replies, ''I won.''

Silence for a long moment. I know it's not a piece of information to digest quickly, but we don't have time. I take the radio from Octavia.

''Bellamy?!''

_''Tasha!''_

''Bellamy, what the hell happened?!?''

 _''It wasn't me,''_ I can hear the underlying panic in his voice, _''But I'll fix it.''_

''They don't have much time,'' Indra warns.

''Listen to me,'' Octavia takes the radio back, ''When I won, I decided to share the bunker with everyone. A hundred from each clan. Kane's just gone to Gaia to help buy us some time, helping them select their people, and Gaia somehow convinced the scouts to lock down the temple. But if anybody finds out that Skaikru stole the bunker, we're all dead.''

 _''Copy that,''_ Bellamy says, _''I'm on my way.''_

Then, after a minute, _''O, I'm gonna need some time.''_

''Wait. What?'' Octavia almost shrieks, ''Bellamy, we don't have time-!''

The line zaps. Static. I grab her radio.

''Bellamy?!?''

Nothing. 

''Bellamy!!!!!''

''Their communication system is down,'' Octavia reasons, sudden fear washing over her face, ''They can't hear us.''

No. No no no no no no no no.

*

An hour passes, and nothing happens, except for a protruding pain in my left leg as I pace around the room. The palms of my hands are sweating so much that if it came to a fight right now, I'd barely be able to hold my bow. My heartbeat won't steady. As I pace, Octavia somehow sits in the corner, next to the radio that she turns on and off to preserve battery. Indra comes in every once in a while to tell us that Skaikru have made their choice and that we might have to find another way, to which we always reply the same.

Bellamy will find a way.

''We have to at least consider-,'' Indra starts again, finally getting to binding the cut on Octavia's arm.

''This is the only entrance, and it's stayed hidden for a hundred years,'' Octavia reasons.

''Then we should break it open,'' offers Indra.

''Then it won't protect anyone,'' I argue again, suddenly angry in my desperation, ''Get Kane's ideas out of your heads because they'll get us all killed.''

''Bellamy will find away,'' Octavia repeats, like a mantra.

''The black rain is keeping the clans at bay for now,'' Indra explains, ''But when it stops and they find out what your people did-''

''They stole the bunker!'' Octavia argues, ''They're not my people anymore.''

Just hours ago, Octavia made me proud to call myself Skaikru. Truly proud in the purest sense of the word - for the first time since I remember living among these people I call my own. Now, I'm inclined to agree with her. 

I feel shame - endless shame - even knowing that Clarke's only done what she thought best for our survival. But knowing it doesn't mean I have to respect it. She went behind everyone's back and stabbed her own people, discarding us as acceptable losses. I know she's probably tried to bring us in. She's probably sent someone for me and overlooked Kane slipping out to warn us. That doesn't really change anything.

She's done this time and time again. I still remember the bombs of Tondc, still have nightmares from them. And I've forgiven her all, every little thing, truly knowing that she's done it all for the greater good in her vision. But when is it enough? When do our crimes outweigh the good intentions? When does it all stop to matter anymore? At what point is she not allowed anymore to do bad things for this imagined Greater Good? And not just her, but all of us?

''I wondered why Kane was stalling.''

Indra whips out her sword before I can even realize it's Echo that's broken into the temple.

''Indra, no,'' Octavia stops her, blocking her sword arm, but my bow is strung back.

''How did you even get in here?!'' I growl.

''Skaikru dishonors us all yet again,'' Echo announces, ''When the people find out, you'll pay for this in blood.''

''You're the last person to talk about honor, Echo,'' I say her name like it's an insult, stopping her in her tracks as she dares turn to walk away.

''I know you were disguised as a warrior on the battlefield, and I know Roan caught you,'' Octavia says to her, ''I even know that he banished you for it.''

''Is this true?'' Indra asks.

''If the scouts check the Blue Cliff warrior's body, they'll find Azgeda arrows.''

''And Roan did not have a bow,'' Indra makes the conclusion herself, and that look of silent fury washes over her face. Her eyes glisten with danger.

''The only reason I haven't spread word of your treason far and wide is Roan's memory. He doesn't deserve to be besmirched by you,'' I spit.

''Azgeda broke the rules,'' Indra argues, ''They should not have a place in this bunker.''

''Wonkru, Indra,'' Octavia corrects her, ''I will not banish an entire clan because of one person's sins.''

''What do you want?'' Echo asks, daring to sound defiant when I am one word away from sending an arrow through her throat. Octavia's the only reason she's alive right now, as far as I'm concerned.

''Only for you to honor your king, by joining me,'' Octavia replies, to my silent surprise, ''If you do, when Bellamy opens that door, my decision will stand. Azgeda will survive Praimfaya.''

''Your plan's to wait?'' Echo asks, ''To _hope_ Bellamy comes to your rescue?''

''Yes.''

''Knowing how he feels about you,'' Echo surprises me even more than Octavia as her hand stops resting on the hilt of her sword, ''I'd say that's a good plan.''

*

''Bellamy would never abandon any one of us, and least of all his sister,'' I say to Indra, my eyes never leaving Echo as she paces around the room, waiting with us. ''He'll do it,'' I nod, ''He'll do it.''

''Are you sure you're not speaking to yourself instead, child?'' Indra asks me, ''I don't doubt Bellamy's bravery, or his will. But he wouldn't be the first brave man overpowered by something so simple as sheer numbers.''

''Not Bellamy,'' I shake my head, ''He'll find a way.''

The door suddenly opens. A breath catches in my throat. A scout walks in, torch in hand, casting some light on our darkness, yet bearing ill news.

''Rein-de don wan op. Emo kru’s komba raun. ( _The rain has stopped. The clans are coming._ ),'' the scout announces, ''Osir na hod emo klin, Heda? ( _Should we stop them, Heda?_ )''

Octavia looks back to me and Indra, yet I still keep my eyes mostly on Echo. The word ''Heda'' isn't lost on me, yet it's never sounded so right before. As a matter of fact, it sounded so right, that I almost let it slip past me like it's the most natural thing in the world. But these are thoughts for another day. Right now, the scout is waiting, and it seems to me that despite his torch burning bright, the darkness in this room is steadily devouring us.

''No,'' Octavia finally says, ''Let them come.''


End file.
